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The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 26, September 14, 2018

Gazette Front Page
september 14, 2018 —
To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

Ever since the inauguration, much of the public has clung to the hope that the worst impulses of our worst President would, if necessary, be thwarted by the so-called adults in the room. This past fortnight has rewarded that faith … sort of.

Why are we not reassured?

Yet, perversely optimistic and relentless in our search for silver linings, the Fortnightly Rant eventually stumbles across a few vaguely encouraging factoids.

Among other items in the Alleged News, we attempt to understand GateHouse Media’s math. It ain’t easy.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 25, August 31, 2018

Gazette Front PageAugust 31, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

“By this point in the script of any classic telenovela, we suspect that (knowing nothing of the genre, really), the protagonist, having endured two double whammies in less than a week, would have secured the sympathies of nearly all the audience. In the grotesque mishegas that is this buffoon’s Presidency, however, the audience remains sharply divided.

“Visions of impending impeachment probably danced in many heads. Imagining such an outcome, though, would require forgetting the fecklessness of the party which would somehow have to carry out that process. As if to demonstrate its unlikeliness, on Tuesday, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer [D–N.Y.] rolled over and fast-tracked seven more fascist Federalist Society nominees for district court judgeships.”

R.I.P. John McCain

Sunday, August 26, 2018—During the 2004 Presidential campaign, Vermin Love Supreme suspended his own Presidential campaign long enough to pose as a fake reporter in order to grill the late Senator John McCain about the recently fallen Old Man of the Mountain.

McCain’s answer was shocking, but not surprising. Supreme, having secured this explosive footage, took it to the only news medium he knew could trust: The New Hampshire Gazette.

Inexplicably, there have still been no arrests.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 24, August 17, 2018

Gazette Front PageAugust 17, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

What are the most valuable skills a person can have in these challenging times? Fluency in Chinese? Knowing how to write computer code? Understanding the intricacies of campaign finance law?

In our view it’s the ability to maintain a cheerful demeanor in the face of unrelenting calamity and probable doom. Crying won’t help if you’re stuck in a careening Greyhound with a deranged person at the wheel. Grabbing the wheel might, though.

We raise an eyebrow at the credentials of the un-elected, unconfirmed, unqualified troika of rich old white men who run the Department of Veterans Affairs from a sleazy developer’s tacky Florida club house.

Portsmouth attempts to muffle the combustive, two-wheeled mechano-flatulance of downtown’s most prominent cosplayers—to the usual lack of effect.

Finally, we’re proud to publish “A Foolproof Solution to Gun Violence in the U.S.,” by W.D. Ehrhart, poet, combat-wounded Vietnam veteran, and Master Teacher at the Haverford School in Philadelphia.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 23, August 3, 2018

Gazette Front PageAugust 3, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

Curiouser and curiouser. An infamous draft dodger (and philanderer, and serial filer of bankruptcies, &c. &c., but that’s another Rant) stands before literal Veterans of Foreign Wars, tells them “what you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening”—and is applauded—while the Fourth Estate is booed. Clearly a significant portion of the electorate can now be classified as bonkers. No single buffoon could have accomplished this grotesque feat, and it could not have happened in just three years. We scratched our editorial head for a while over this, and transcribed the results.

City of Portsmouth officials and the local maker space are taking a firm stand: no using our 3D printers to manufacture the latest iteration of zip gun. A signs indicates local libertarians may take a contrary position.

Working closely with justly proud but beleaguered union members employed by the U.S. Postal Service, we have redesigned our First Class mail piece. This past fortnight saw its first test. The results are conclusive: an unqualified success. We mailed on Friday. Some New Hampshire residents got their paper on [drum roll, please] Saturday! On Monday, a subscriber received her paper … in Texas!

We are simply beside ourselves with glee.

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 Volume 262, No. 22, July 20, 2018

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The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 21, July 6, 2018

Gazette Front PageJuly 6, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

Unexpected as the Spanish Inquisition

One never knows what may turn up in Post Office Box 756. Last week we received an unanticipated copy of the July issue of New Hampshire Magazine. Under the heading, “Best of N.H. 2018 Arts & Culture,” we found this:

Fortnightly Rant: In this age of 24/7/365 ranting on cable TV and social media, it’s amazing how a more measured and timely rant can sound a lot like common sense. That’s not to make a value judgment about the politics of [the] freely distributed New Hampshire Gazette, just about [the editor’s] temperament. [His] front-page editorials may drive conservatives to crank up Fox News, but his words are carefully chosen and arranged with insight and a sense of humor. OK, dark humor—still, the view of the world from the Portsmouth offices of the ‘Nation’s Oldest Newspaper’ is always enlightening and entertaining, even when exasperating.”

Our thanks to Editor Rick Broussard: your assessment of the alleged editor’s temperament gave our Business (Such as it Is) Manager a good laugh.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 20, June 22, 2018

Gazette Front PageJune 22, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

We should hardly be surprised that supporters of the President are angry. The Party he took over has been beating the hell out of them for decades, and, thanks to news media incapable of addressing the issue honestly, they blame the feckless Democrats. Now our oligarchs are conducting a vicious experiment in this open-air test lab: what will it take to turns our stomachs?

While the nation turns its horrified eyes to the border, Commander Bone Spur signs a bill to drain off yet more resources from the Veterans Health Administration. Not satisfied with the damage he’s done, he arbitrarily signs a statement saying, in effect, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Not to worry, though. Page eight carries about 140 little stories that will put all this … stuff in some kind of perspective.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 19, June 8, 2018

Gazette Front PageJune 8, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

It has been yet another fortnight in which we have thanked our lucky stars that we are no more responsible than any other semi-disenfranchised citizen for the disgusting shenanigans on which we must report. As The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ we witnessed the American Revolution—literally. Since then we’ve gone from having educated and articulate leaders, some of whom could quote latin, to a country run by a mob of grifters in thrall to a semi-literate gibberish-spouter. It’s an ugly story, but we write it anyway.

By way of diversion, and in honor of Bike Week, we take a look at the Laconia Motorcycle Riot of 1965. What finally restored order that June night? Apparently the FBI thinks we can’t handle the truth.

Finally, a little good news for a change: Juneteenth is being celebrated with a full day of events, thanks to the New Hampshire Black Heritage Trail.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 18, May 25, 2018

Gazette Front PageMay 25, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

The inverted State of America

“First thing every morning the President of the United States of America and Leader of the Free World, by custom if not in fact, wakens alone, brushes the grease-stained McDonald’s wrappers off his bed, and reaches for his easily-hacked, unsecured iPhone. Paying no attention to the billows of smoke which surround him, he proclaims to his alleged 52 million followers, in garbled, ungrammatical, randomly-capitalized lumps of text only vaguely reminiscent of English, that there is no fire.”

It’s all downhill from there.

The U.S.S. Manchester arrives in Portsmouth for commissioning. Predictably, the Award-Winning Local Daily trips over itself repeating whatever the DoD tells them about the latest addition to the fleet. We are less sanguine.