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Protected: The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 263, No. 4, November 9, 2018

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The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 263, No. 3, October 26, 2018

Gazette Front Page
October 26, 2018 —
To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

The Republicans face a real challenge in the upcoming mid-term election. Between Trump in the White House and all the miscellaneous shenanigans in Congress, Democrats are itching to vote.

To motivate their team, Fox News, aka the Ministry of Misinformation, has the Fear Dial cranked up to 12. It’s a bold strategy—given the age of the audience, they risk putting more voters in the ICU than the voting booths.

With all the oligarch-funded think tanks the Republicans have on retainer, though, there’s always some new scheme to try out.

The F-35 has finally started earning its keep in Afghanistan. We take a look at its cost-effectiveness.

We also take a look at the Administration’s plans to destroy the Post Office — a topic to which we should all pay more attention.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 263, No. 2, October 12, 2018

Gazette Front Page
October 12, 2018 —
To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

” … Some catalyst in the Republican psyche—perhaps it was the rise of Newt Gingrich, a few years later—transmogrified Bork into the Baron of Butthurt: a wronged hero, cruelly denied that which was rightfully his by a brazen gang of unscrupulous schemers. Having conjured up this false assessment of the Democrats’ tactics, Republicans then adopted them as their own Standard Operating Procedure … ”

Also: a recap of the long forgotten and scarcely believable fight over the Crystalline Repository Project, which once threatened to make southwestern New Hampshire a “national sacrifice ares” for the permanent disposal of high-level nuclear waste generated by privately owned nuclear power plants.

Thank goodness such foolishness is over.

What’s that you say …?

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 263, No. 1, September 28, 2018

Gazette Front Page
September 28, 2018 —
To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

We argue, not without cause, that the political situation in this country has become so jacked up that it’s having an effect on the laws of physics.

In other unexpected news, New Hampshire Democrats hand Hereditary Governor Chris Sununu a made-to-order re-election campaign ad.

Portsmouth locals take a stand against the unrelenting juggernaut of creeping development, insisting instead on the preservation of the beating heart of downtown: its Post Office.

Self-styled Seacoast Deplorables and Occupy Seacoast face off in the Square — guess which group gets busted by the Flag Police.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 26, September 14, 2018

Gazette Front Page
September 14, 2018 —
To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

Ever since the inauguration, much of the public has clung to the hope that the worst impulses of our worst President would, if necessary, be thwarted by the so-called adults in the room. This past fortnight has rewarded that faith … sort of.

Why are we not reassured?

Yet, perversely optimistic and relentless in our search for silver linings, the Fortnightly Rant eventually stumbles across a few vaguely encouraging factoids.

Among other items in the Alleged News, we attempt to understand GateHouse Media’s math. It ain’t easy.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 25, August 31, 2018

Gazette Front PageAugust 31, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

“By this point in the script of any classic telenovela, we suspect that (knowing nothing of the genre, really), the protagonist, having endured two double whammies in less than a week, would have secured the sympathies of nearly all the audience. In the grotesque mishegas that is this buffoon’s Presidency, however, the audience remains sharply divided.

“Visions of impending impeachment probably danced in many heads. Imagining such an outcome, though, would require forgetting the fecklessness of the party which would somehow have to carry out that process. As if to demonstrate its unlikeliness, on Tuesday, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer [D–N.Y.] rolled over and fast-tracked seven more fascist Federalist Society nominees for district court judgeships.”

R.I.P. John McCain

Sunday, August 26, 2018—During the 2004 Presidential campaign, Vermin Love Supreme suspended his own Presidential campaign long enough to pose as a fake reporter in order to grill the late Senator John McCain about the recently fallen Old Man of the Mountain.

McCain’s answer was shocking, but not surprising. Supreme, having secured this explosive footage, took it to the only news medium he knew could trust: The New Hampshire Gazette.

Inexplicably, there have still been no arrests.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 24, August 17, 2018

Gazette Front PageAugust 17, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

What are the most valuable skills a person can have in these challenging times? Fluency in Chinese? Knowing how to write computer code? Understanding the intricacies of campaign finance law?

In our view it’s the ability to maintain a cheerful demeanor in the face of unrelenting calamity and probable doom. Crying won’t help if you’re stuck in a careening Greyhound with a deranged person at the wheel. Grabbing the wheel might, though.

We raise an eyebrow at the credentials of the un-elected, unconfirmed, unqualified troika of rich old white men who run the Department of Veterans Affairs from a sleazy developer’s tacky Florida club house.

Portsmouth attempts to muffle the combustive, two-wheeled mechano-flatulance of downtown’s most prominent cosplayers—to the usual lack of effect.

Finally, we’re proud to publish “A Foolproof Solution to Gun Violence in the U.S.,” by W.D. Ehrhart, poet, combat-wounded Vietnam veteran, and Master Teacher at the Haverford School in Philadelphia.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 23, August 3, 2018

Gazette Front PageAugust 3, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

Curiouser and curiouser. An infamous draft dodger (and philanderer, and serial filer of bankruptcies, &c. &c., but that’s another Rant) stands before literal Veterans of Foreign Wars, tells them “what you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening”—and is applauded—while the Fourth Estate is booed. Clearly a significant portion of the electorate can now be classified as bonkers. No single buffoon could have accomplished this grotesque feat, and it could not have happened in just three years. We scratched our editorial head for a while over this, and transcribed the results.

City of Portsmouth officials and the local maker space are taking a firm stand: no using our 3D printers to manufacture the latest iteration of zip gun. A signs indicates local libertarians may take a contrary position.

Working closely with justly proud but beleaguered union members employed by the U.S. Postal Service, we have redesigned our First Class mail piece. This past fortnight saw its first test. The results are conclusive: an unqualified success. We mailed on Friday. Some New Hampshire residents got their paper on [drum roll, please] Saturday! On Monday, a subscriber received her paper … in Texas!

We are simply beside ourselves with glee.

The New Hampshire Gazette
 Volume 262, No. 22, July 20, 2018

Gazette Front PageJuly 20, 2018 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

“One is tempted to call the entire Trump Administration—its personnel, its legislation, its regulatory actions, its general demeanor, its every jot and tittle [see Matthew 5:18, ye heathens]—a government-funded late-term abortion. That, though, would be an insult to a medical procedure which, though virtually forbidden these days due to undemocratic and unconstitutional prohibitions, is probably, in those rare cases when it is actually carried out, not just legitimate from a legal, medical, and moral point of view, but a positive blessing to all concerned. … ”

Our lousy President went to Europe all all we got was this Rant.

A Certified Lactation Counselor looks at the latest perverse twist in the corporate effort to monetize breastfeeding.

Also, gravity keeps treating Robinson helicopters very rudely.