Thousands of copies of yet another issue of the Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ have been distributed in Portsmouth and the surrounding towns of the Piscataqua. Hundreds more are at the Post Office, on their way (via First Class Mail!) to our subscribers in nearly every state and the District of Columbia.

As for the rest of the world, we’re making a free pdf file of our previous issue (April 18) available today. Click on this link, or the image above.

Our subscribers, of course, will receive the genuine wood-pulp-based version of today’s paper in their mailboxes in just a day or two. If your dignity requires similarly privileged treatment, you may subscribe here.

The issue we offer here for free, in pdf form, includes a Fortnightly Rant headlined “Peace Through Violence.” It looks at the 5th anniversary of George W.’s excellent adventure, and his sidekick Dick “Dick” Cheney’s inspiring interview with ABC’s Martha Raddatz, in the context of the loss of a New Hampshire National Guardsman.

The “News Briefs” department kicks around the Pentagon’s domestic spying practices and dips into the Spitzer scandal, among other things. Mike Dater, our Starving Artiste, contributes an exclusive image of the young fellow who supplied all that crappy ammo to our allies in Afghanistan, and our own Rodman Philbrick reviews baseball movies.

As is our practice, we’re now making available our penultimate paper, Volume 252, No. 13, dated March 21. Just mash this link to download the thing, but be warned–it weighs 3.1 MB.

In this issue we slag the Federal Reserve, Bear Stearns, JP Morgan, George W. Bush’s “Poppy,” Ronald Reagan, and, just for balance, take a swipe at National Public Radio. And we note the 5th anniversary of George W.’s fatal adventure.

This paper also includes a radically heartening report about the voters of the town of Nottingham adopting an ordinance stating “that the corporatization of [the town’s] water supplies would constitute tyranny and usurpation; and that we are therefore duty bound, under the New Hampshire Constitution, to oppose such tyranny and usurpation.” This is the best news we’ve had the privilege of reporting in years.

So what, you ask? Well, the merit of our paper—if it has any—is not so much that we approach current events in a more skeptical manner than your average advertising-addicted, faux-impartial Associated Press-type fishwrapper. Approximately a bazillion operations are doing that here in the aether.

The merit of our operation, we believe, is that we do this in a nice little physical package, which we then proceed to give away. And so, every fortnight, at least ten thousand people—many of whom might otherwise not run across much of this sort of material—are encouraged to be more skeptical of the lying rat bastards running this sham of a show.

We like to think of our paper as the journalistic equivalent of half a brick. If any time has ever called out for such a thing, it is now.

But what about you, cyber-person? Have we forgotten you? We have not. We have made available to you a free pdf file of our previous issue (Volume 252, No. 12, published Friday, March 7, 2008). Just slam your little mouse button on the image just above, or one of the four identical text links which we have scattered throughout this verbose paragraph.

If you have the time to be surfing this site, you should be watching the Winter Soldier: Iraq and Afghanistan hearings instead.

“Last weekend I had the honor and privilege to march with (and film) the Philadelphia chapter of Iraq Veterans Against the War from Constitution Hall in downtown Philadelphia, to Valley Forge. The group wanted to draw attention to the upcoming Winter Soldier: Iraq & Afghanistan events coming up this weekend in and around DC. The events run from March 13-16, and include veterans from the Iraq conflict, as well as active duty soldiers.”

“This is the first of a series of short videos for IVAW. This one focuses on Winter Soldier. Future shorts will focus on other major points that IVAW wants to bring to the people of this country. Please have a look, [go to YouTube to] make a comment if you wish, give a rating, and if you feel so inspired, please send the link on to as many people as you can. For those of us who want to see an end to the occupation in Iraq, and see our troops come home from there, it is essential to get the message of IVAW out as far and wide as possible! Thanks in advance for your help!”

Yes, we have the technology to give away this fortnight’s paper, too. But we have to consider the feelings of our faithful subscribers, now, don’t we?

Also, out of the 229 papers we’ve published every fortnight since May 1, 1999, we now have 228 properly filed in the morgue. (February 11, 2000 is the one that’s missing, in case some packrat out there has a copy they can spare.) From a practical point of view, this will hardly make any difference to the reader. But it will help give the alleged editor the illusion of control – something he finds to be a comforting substitute.

In other non-news, we have updated the Masthead, and announced on our Advertising page that we are not currently accepting new advertisers. Those who would like to know when space becomes available are invited to submit their names to our waiting list by e-mail. [editors (at) nhgazette.com]

Monday, February 25, 2008 — We seem to have incurred the wrath of the Gods of the Intertubes. We can currently receive e-mails, but we cannot send them.

As a result, we have before us the opportunity to relieve ourselves of up to 20 pounds of unspeakable detritus from an internal organ, and to increase the dimensions of another organ to such an impressive degree that we will be the envy of all men, and the object of the desires of all women; but, we are unable to avail ourselves of these tempting opportunities.

At least three separate and distinct organizations must work together in harmony in order for an e-mail to slide unimpeded from one end of the tube to the other. Sadly, all of them are presently convinced that the reason the substance of our outgoing e-mails is being spilled unceremoniously in some unknown, and probably insecure location, is that the other organization’s framistans are out of order.

We will have a further announcement in the event we are able to surmount this latest molehill.