The Alleged News®

Portsmouth, Nov. 3, 1892 This is the last issue of the Gazette to reach our readers before the presidential election. … no man who loves his country… can hesitate about voting the republican ticket, both national and state. … If unworthy local candidates have been put in nomination, it is also the duty of loyal republicans to reject them for the future good of the party. … The nomination of Henry W. Blair for Congress in the first congressional district is not to the credit of the republican party, and his past record is not such as to hold out any hope that he will …

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Ex-President and current Republican nominee Donald J. “Jazz Hands” Trump dazzled a spellbound audience at a town hall event near Philadelphia. Hardly speaking for about half an hour, instead he showed off his “hip” and “with-it” dance moves, to the sound of the immortal gay anthem, “Y.M.C.A.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Unkind partisans wondered whether the cavalry had arrived, in the form of a cerebrovascular event. The Showman-in-Chief’s fancy footwork distracted the media from another event, in Greeley, Pa., where Sean “Bullethead” Moon’s Rod of Iron Ministries was holding a Freedom Festival. Among the featured speakers was Trump’s former National Security Advisor, …

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Citizens and journalists alike, we live in chaos by design. For a decade, the coalition of grifters and politicians who seem to dominate our politics and culture have deployed Generaloberst Steve Bannon’s strategy of “flooding the zone with shit” so successfully that news stories which once would have been on everyone’s lips now go unremarked. That’s why we’ve been asking The Google about the phrase “$10 million.” We were immediately introduced to “a 19-year-old British garbage man [who in 2002] won 10 million pounds (approx $15 million) on the lottery. He spent it all on drugs, gambling and prostitutes and 8 years later was back …

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by Richard D. Wolff Fans of capitalism like to say it is democratic or that it supports democracy. Some have stretched language so far as to literally equate capitalism with democracy, using the terms interchangeably. No matter how many times that is repeated, it is simply not true and never was. Indeed, it is much more accurate to say that capitalism and democracy are opposites. To see why, you have only to look at capitalism as a production system where employees enter into a relationship with employers, where a few people are the boss, and most people simply work doing what they are told to …

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Heat Records Falling Like Dominos“Pay No Attention,” Say Politicos This past Sunday, July 21st, was the hottest day ever recorded on Earth—which, other than in Elon Musk’s drug-addled dreams, is the only place in the universe known to be habitable by our species. For now, anyway. That heat record stood for 24 hours. It was surpassed on Monday, the New York Times reported Wednesday. While this milestone is technically news, it may not be all that surprising. NOAA reported in June that May had been the 12th consecutive warmest month on record. Rounding out our review of broken records, while 2023 was the hottest year …

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by Jake Johnson U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders on July 16th took the unusual step of applauding Elon Musk—but not for reasons that the Tesla CEO and world’s richest man would likely find flattering. In the wake of reports indicating that Musk plans to inject $45 million per month into a new super PAC supporting former President Donald Trump’s bid for another four years in the White House, Sanders (I-Vt.) thanked Musk for doing “an exceptional job of demonstrating a point that we have made for years—and that is the fact we live in an oligarchic society in which billionaires dominate not only our economic life …

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