The Alleged News®

Wednesday evening we completed the latest Rant, in which we accuse the President of sabotaging the U.S. Postal Service in order to steal the election. Pretty routine stuff; just another fortnight at the Nation’s Oldest Newspaper.™ Thursday morning, in a telephone interview, he told Fox’s Maria Bartiromo that’s exactly what he’s doing: “They want $3.5 billion for something that will turn out to be fraudulent, that’s election money basically. They want 3.5 trillion…billion dollars for the mail-in votes, OK, universal mail-in ballots, 3.5 trillion. They want $25 billion, billion, for the Post Office. Now they need that money in order to have the post office …

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Generally speaking, NPR’s reporting tends towards restraint, so Thursday morning’s headline stood out: “3 Months Of Hell: U.S. Economy Drops 32.9% In Worst GDP Report Ever.” Yesterday’s Gross Domestic Product estimate from the Commerce Department was “Horrific,” Economist Nariman Behravesh told the network’s Scott Horsley. “We’ve never seen anything quite like it.” Even that shocking presentation, however, fails to convey the full magnitude of just how screwed we truly are. NPR’s report, and the GDP estimate on which it’s based, are both snapshots—still pictures of a changing scene. And, like all pictures, they leave out what’s beyond the frame. While the report does acknowledge the …

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A week ago—on the same “Hide It Friday” the Administration did its bureaucratic shuffle to obscure the evidence of its criminal negligence on the Covid-19 front—the untreated mental patient also known as our Commander-in-Chief commuted the sentence of his longtime crony Roger Stone. After a lifetime of well documented, politically oriented malign behavior, Stone had managed to finally get his Nixon-tattooed self charged, convicted, and sentenced to serve between seven and nine years in prison. Throughout it all, ever true to the criminal code, Stone swore he’d never rat out his boss, and smugly waited to get sprung. And now he has been. Stone and …

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Despite being placed in confinement Thursday morning in the state whose slogan is “Live Free or Die”—by agents of the FBI, Attorney General William Barr, proprietor—Ghislaine Maxwell, as we go to press, still has not been reported to have committed suicide, fatally fallen through the bars from an upper-floor cell onto a busy thoroughfare, or suddenly contracted a case of Covid-19 severe enough to necessitate a medically-induced coma. Maxwell’s whereabouts have been the subject of intense speculation since the arrest last year, and death in jail, of her former lover and long-time associate, the notorious convicted sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein. Bill Sweeney, Assistant Director of …

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All we wanted was one particular piece of data: the number of Covid-19 deaths per capita in the U.S., compared to…let’s just say a couple of other places picked at random. Despite the habitual consumption of mass quantities of news and vaguely news-like material, we could not recall ever having seen the available data sliced that particular way. That struck us as odd. What better benchmark could there be for judging one country’s performance against another? By quantifying deaths rather than total cases, you may assess not just the effectiveness of a nation’s efforts to reduce the spread of the virus, but also the ability …

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“Like most of us, we at the Black Heritage Trail of New Hampshire are outraged because of the murder of George Floyd. We are outraged because of his murder and because of other recent displays of the type of injustices African Americans bear daily. We are outraged and we are made weary. Part of our outrage is as you might expect: We are the Black Heritage Trail and Black Lives do Matter. But our outrage is not only because our focus is the history of Black Americans. “What we learn from this history in our state helps me articulate another aspect of our outrage. In …

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