Volume 268 | No. 22

2007—George W.[MD] Bush invokes the 25th Amendment, making Dick “Dick” Cheney President while Bush gets his colon inspected. 2000—Long-time Texas voter Dick “Dick” Cheney registers in Wyoming to dodge a Constitutional proviso. 2000—The FBI and ATF are exonerated for killing 80 religious fanatics during a 1993 siege in Waco, Texas. 1954—As the Geneva Accords free Vietnam from French colonial rule, the U.S. steps in to preserve disorder. 1950—Bungling drunkard John C. Woods, the U.S. Army’s hangman, electrocutes himself while attempting to repair some electrical equipment. 1919—The dirigible Wingfoot Air Express, on fire, crashes through the glass skylight of a Chicago bank, killing 13. 1919—With the …

Read more

2017—Secretary of State Tillerson states the obvious to other Administration officials: Trump is “a moron.” 2002—The FBI arrests three former NASA interns for stealing a 600 lb. safe holding moon rocks. 1984—Famed runner and fitness fanatic Jim Fixx dies of a heart attack while jogging at the ripe old age of 52. 1973—Martial artist and fitness fanatic Bruce Lee drops dead at 32. 1971—William F. Buckley’s National Review publishes what it claims are secret documents about the Vietnam War. They’re fake, and he knows it. 1969—Neil Armstrong goes for a walk—on the moon. 1956—A scheduled election intended to reunify Vietnam is blocked by the South, …

Read more

2020—“I’ll be right eventually,” says Dolt #45. “I’ll say it again. [Covid’s] going to disappear, and I’ll be right.” 2011—As Rupert Murdoch is being grilled before Parliament about phone-hacking, his wife Wendi deflects a flying pie aimed at his head. 2010—Terrified by a malignly-edited YouTube clip, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack has USDA employee Shirley Sherrod pulled over by the side of the road and summarily fired. 2001—Lord Jeffrey Archer, Deputy Chair of the Conservative Party, is sentenced to four years for perjury. 1994—Dining with reporters, Sen. Howell Heflin (D-Ala.) reaches into his pocket for a hankie but somehow wipes his nose with a pair of …

Read more

1985—Doped up after cancer surgery five days earlier, Ronald Reagan OKs an arms-for-hostages deal with Iran. 1984—James O. Huberty tells his wife he’s “going to hunt humans,” then kills 21 and wounds 19 at a San Diego McDonald’s. A sniper gets him. His widow sues Mickey D’s for poisoning his mind with MSG, but to no avail. 1981—Norman Mailer’s protege Jack Abbott, on work release after a stretch for robbery and manslaughter, fatally stabs a waiter in the East Village. 1972—A sailor disables the USS Ranger for three months by dropping a paint scraper into its reduction gears. 1969—Senator Ted Kennedy gives Mary Jo Kopechne …

Read more

2020—Asked if he’ll concede if he loses, #45 says “I’ll have to see.” 2015—Portsmouth cops grill Mike Thiel at his office about a letter in which he complains about helicopters. 2014—Detained for selling loose cigarettes, Eric Garner, 43, suffocates as he tells NYPD cops, “I can’t breathe.” 1979—Anastasio Somoza flees Nicaragua for Miami, bringing family caskets and much of the national treasury. 1965—An American press officer in Saigon tells Morley Safer “if you think any American official is going to tell you the truth, then you’re stupid.” 1962—The U.S. conducts its last near-ground atmospheric nuke test: the .018 kiloton “Little Feller.” A company of soldiers …

Read more

2018—V. Putin gets Dolt #45 alone in a room for two hours in Helsinki. 2013—Jimmy Carter says, “America has no functioning democracy.” 1991—The Trump Taj Mahal files for bankruptcy 467 days after opening. 1979—A dam, badly built on shaky ground, collapses in Church Rock, N.M. It spills 1,100 tons of radioactive mill waste, 93 million gallons of effluent, releasing as much radioactivity as the Three Mile Island meltdown. 1973—Nixon aide Al Butterfield reveals he’s been bugging the Oval Office at the behest of The Man himself. 1964—A white cop shoots James Powell—15, 112 lbs., and Black—dead. The Harlem riots begin. 1945—The Atomic Age starts with …

Read more