Time Bandits Expected to Strike Again!

Insidious Plot Revealed!

We have been holding back the following story for generations. Only now can it be told.

Previously, the public could not handle the truth we are about to reveal. New tools, however, facilitating the free exchange of all sorts of information, have inspired a whole new generation of patriots. They are willing—eager, even—and more-or-less able to do their own research and draw their own conclusions. Some even create visual aids on garret walls, using pins and red yarn to indicate sinister connections.

No longer are the yearning masses restricted to the bland media diet of pablum formerly force-fed to them by “legacy media” such as ourselves.

Without further ado or adon’t, here is the true story behind so-called “Daylight Saving Time.”

It was only by chance that our Wandering Photographer, (who is partial to Pilsner), literally stumbled onto the scene of the crime. Charles Higgins, the Senate Sergeant at Arms, was surreptitiously filching a full hour from every citizen in the country by moving the hands of the Ohio Clock forward by one hour. [See photo at right.]

“Big deal,” you may say, but consider: We were then a nation comprising 92 million men, women, children, babies, and hobos. At the then-current daily wage of approximately $0.25 per hour, that time was worth 23 million bucks. Adjusted for inflation that would be $417 million today.

We have not yet determined who were the beneficiaries of this Grand Theft Tempo. Credible rumors suggest they were members of a vast or half-vast international cabal of bakers in league with the Flour Trust.

All seriousness aside, supposedly real news reports are suggesting that for reasons unclear to us, public sentiment is building to put an end to our now-time-honored tradition of holding a biannual nationwide death-by-disruption event.

Think of the content providers, people! What will the pretty people on TV have to talk about? Generic newspapers from coast to coast—yes, all generated from a cubicle farm in Texas, but still…—will have to run interchangeable patches of text dredged up from God knows where.

All that disruption, just to spare the lives of, on average, 28 car crash victims per year, and eliminate a 24 percent jump in heart attacks in the spring.


Transcript: H.R. Surveillance

Microphone #1, Gazette Newsroom

For Controlled Distribution Only

Voice One: Spring ahead, fall back…isn’t that how it goes? We’re supposed to gain an hour, right?

Voice Two: Yeah, why?

Voice One: This thing is supposed to automatically reset itself for the time change. Why does it give the same time as this one, that doesn’t?

Voice Two: Huh? What are you blathering about?

Voice One: My iGizmo says it’s 7:30 a.m. So does this cheap old battery-powered piece of crap. That ain’t right.

Voice Two: Check the Telechron.

Voice One: Same same; 7:32 now.

Voice Two: Check the calendar.

Voice One: [Redacted.] I could’a sworn it changed today, the 1st.

Voice Two: [Redacted.]


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