Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Mon, Mar 24
2004—A-list broadcast journalists crack up at a black-tie dinner as President George W.[MD] Bush jokes about “his” failed search for WMDs. Less amused: families of the 691 GI’s killed to date in the war he began. 1989—Exxon issues a message about its stance on the environment—through the hull of the Exxon Valdez. 1985—Shot by a…
Sun, Mar 23
2016—Tay, a Microsoft™ AI chatbot, is released on Twitter. She’s pulled 16 hours later for being a Nazi. 2004—In a Senate office building, 19 Members of Congress watch a golden crown being placed on the head of convicted tax cheat and Washington Times owner Rev. Sun Myung Moon. 2003—A lost U.S. Army convoy is ambushed…
Sat, Mar 22
2006—MV Queen of the North, a Canadian ferry four miles off course, hits an island at 17 knots and sinks with a loss of two lives. Union reps deny crewmembers were having sex at the time. 2003—The chief officer of RMS Mülheim, getting out of his chair while on watch, catches his trousers on a…
Fri, Mar 21
2006—Twitter takes flight. 2003—Richard Clarke, top counter-intel cop since Bush#41, says Bush#43 ignored al-Qaeda until 9/11. 1981—In Mobile, Ala., two Ku Kluxers conduct the last recorded lynching. RIP: Michael Donald, 19. 1973—“There is a cancer on the Presidency,” White House Counsel John Dean says, speaking to the cancer. 1963—“Gents, this is an educational project,” says…
Thurs, Mar 20
2017—FBI Boss Jim Comey tells Congress the Trump campaign and Russia may have colluded. 2012—One of the two loaded .45 pistols Rep. Kyle Tasker [R-Northwood] legally carries in shoulder holsters drops to the floor of a packed hearing room in the N.H. State Capitol. 2003—U.S. troops invade Iraq to protect The Homeland from Saddam’s innumerable…
Wed, Mar 19
2023—The presses of the Portsmouth Herald go silent after running their final locally-printed edition. 2011—The U.S. and France attack Libya—for its own good, of course. 2003—George W.[MD] Bush starts his pre-emptive war; 40 Tomahawk missiles hit residential Baghdad. 1987—Ed “Meese is a Pig” Meese endorses drug testing for schoolteachers. 1983—On “Diff’rent Strokes,” Nancy Reagan tells…
Tues, Mar 18
2006—Barnstead, N.H. bans corporations from exporting groundwater and denies them personhood. 2004—At Gilley’s, Portsmouth narcs and off-duty cops hold round two of a fight begun at Paddy’s on St. Pat’s Day. 2003—“Why should we hear about body bags and death and how many?” asks Barbara Bush. “It’s not relevant…why should I waste my beautiful mind…
Mon, Mar 17
2017—Arguing Apocalypse Now in the Oval with ’Nam vets, Dolt #45 confuses Agent Orange with napalm. 2008—His high-priced hooker habit exposed, N.Y. Gov. E. Spitzer resigns. 2007—Navy Times: before he was a U.S.M.C. Cpl. and Fox News reporter, Matt Sanchez was a gay porn star. 2004—To honor St. Patrick, narcs and off-duty cops duke it…
Sun, Mar 16
2008—The New York Federal Reserve fronts JPMorgan $30 billion to buy Bear Stearns’ bankrupt corpse. 2003—On “Meet the Press,” Dick “Dick” Cheney claims that Saddam Hussein “has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons,” and that“we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.” 1995—Mississippi, after 130 years, ratifies the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery; its actual certification takes…
Sat, Mar 15
1999—The “Hockey Stick” graph shows that global warming’s real; corporate demand for expert liars soars. 1989—To flatter veterans without incurring any actual additional expenses, the Veterans Administration is elevated to Departmental status. 1982—Donald Trump gets a New Jersey casino licence—normally a months-long process—in hours. 1980—A Boston Globe editorial about a speech by Jimmy Carter is…
Fri, Mar 14
2018—Hoping not to get shot like so many of their late peers, a million American students walk out of school to demand gun control that works. 1977—RIP Fannie Lou Hamer, organizer of the Mississippi Freedom Democratic Party, who said, “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.” 1970—Richard Nixon plays piano at the Gridiron Dinner. His standards are…
Thurs, Mar 13
2020—Dolt #45 states the obvious: “I don’t take responsibility at all.” 2019—Gambino family mob boss Frank Cali is whacked in front of his Staten Island home by a QAnon follower who thought “he was enjoying the protection of President Trump.” 2002—Asked about Osama bin Laden, George W.[MD] Bush says, “We haven’t heard much from him…I…
Wed, Mar 12
2014—Austin Ruse, head of the Catholic Family and Human Rights Institute, says on American Family Radio, “the hard left, human-hating people that run modern universities…should all be taken out and shot.” 2013—Jim Clapper, Dir. of Nat’l Intelligence, swears to Congress citizens aren’t being spied on. He’s lying. 2003—News reports say VP Dick “Dick” Cheney is…
Tues, Mar 11
2020—Dolt #45 announces a travel ban; infected U.S. citizens turn airports all over into super-spreader sites. 2012—Freedom, Maine’s Town Meeting votes to amend the Constitution, nixing corporate “personhood.” 2011—An earthquake knocks Earth 10 inches off its axis, brings Japan four feet closer to the U.S., causes a tsunami that kills 15,850 people, and triggers three…
Mon, Mar 10
2020—“Just stay calm,” says Dolt #45. “It [Covid] will go away.” 2004—Pres. George W.[MD] Bush is surprised to learn that 1) his Terrorist Surveillance Program expires that day, 2) his lawyers won’t renew it, and 3) his A.G., who will, has been in the ICU for a week. In a bedside standoff, Bush’s team loses….
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.