Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Thurs, Jan 16
2020—The Senate starts trying The Former Guy, but the jury’s in the tank. 2018—White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson claims Donald Trump a) passed a cognitive test, and b) might live to be 200 if he had a healthier diet. 2014—Unable to acquire their standard poison, Ohio’s official kill team tries a new drug combo….
Wed, Jan 15
2001—Wikipedia goes live. 1992—Veepster George H.[H.]W. Bush, trolling for votes in N.H., says “[W]e are blessed. So don’t feel sorry for… don’t cry for me, Argentina.” 1989—TV guest Donald Trump asks host Larry King, “Do you mind if I sit back a little…your breath is very bad.” 1989—The Gipper, on MLK Day, says some civil…
Tues, Jan 14
2000—“This is still a dangerous world… of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses,” warns George W.[MD] Bush. 1969—After warnings from enlisted men aboard the nuke-powered USS Enterprise go unheeded, the exhaust of a flight deck tractor cooks off a Zuni rocket. It hits an F-4’s fuel tank, causing a fire which detonates 4.5 tons…
Mon, Jan 13
2018—Hawaiian authorities issue an alert: “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND … THIS IS NOT A DRILL.” Ooops. Authorities issue a retraction 38 minutes later. 2017—N.H. State Rep. Carolyn Halstead [R-Milford] drops a loaded handgun on the floor during a packed public hearing at the State House. 1987—Lee Atwater calls Reagan’s drug war a “fad issue, a…
Sun, Jan 12
2021—In light of the recent failed insurrection, all eight members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff warn active duty personnel not to do anything treasony. 1991—Congress authorizes the first Bush vs. Hussein War. 1984—Ronald Reagan’s Deputy Secretary of Defense W. Paul Thayer resigns after being charged with insider trading. He ends up in the slammer….
Sat, Jan 11
2008—“There will be a signed peace treaty [between Israel and the Palestinians] by the time I leave office,” says George W.[MD] Bush. 2003—“You can count on this,” Donald Rumsfeld tells Saudi Prince Bandar, showing plans for the Iraq War. “This is going to happen.” 2002—To take full advantage of recent memos declaring torture OK, the…
Fri, Jan 10
2017—CNN just reports on the Steele dossier; Buzzfeed publishes it. 2002—George W.[MD] Bush denies ever meeting Enron CEO Ken Lay, his largest campaign donor. 1992—A busted shipping container releases 28,000 floating toy animals in the mid-Pacific, which are then tracked by oceanographers; the gripping tale is told in Moby Duck. 1984—Responders to a false alarm…
Thurs, Jan 9
2024—Trying to get Dolt #45 off the hook for election interference, his lawyers argue that he could have ordered Seal Team Six to kill an opponent. 2002—Future A.G. Al Gonzales writes that parts of the Geneva Conventions are “obsolete” and “quaint.” 1980—Sixty-three participants in the 1979 seizure of the Grand Mosque at Mecca are beheaded…
Wed, Jan 8
2020—Reacting to the U.S. drone-strike assassination of Iranian Maj. Gen. Qassem Soleimani in Baghdad, Iran fires missiles at bases in Iraq; 64 U.S. troops suffer traumatic brain injuries. Trump denies any were injured. 2007—The USS Newport News, submerged, collides with a Japanese oil tanker near the Strait of Hormuz. 2005—The USS San Francisco, submerged, collides…
Tues, Jan 7
2015—Two brothers, Wahhabi extremists, kill 12 and wound 11 at Charlie Hebdo’s offices in Paris. 1999—The Senate tries Bill Clinton for lying about canoodling with a young intern. His prosecutor: Rep. (and adulterer) Henry Hyde [R-Ill]. 1998—The Washington Post reports that George Herbert [Hoover] Walker Bush lied: he did attend meetings about arms sales to…
Mon, Jan 6
2021—A misguided mob of purported patriots attacks the Capitol to subvert democracy and install a dictatorial doofus. Five die, many are injured, but Dolt #45’s autogolpe fails; the Republic is spared by ineptitude. 2018—Pres. Donald J. Trump asserts that he is a “very stable genius.” 2006—George W.[MD] Bush OKs $20 million for a celebration of…
Sun, Jan 5
2021—As Dolt #45’s alleged brain trust schemes at the Willard, the FBI ignores a dire warning from its own Norfolk office, predicting violence. 2011—Freshly-minted Rep. Frank Guinta [R-N.H.] assures David Koch he’ll show fealty attend a party later. 1970—Kenneth Yablonski discovers his dad, UMW presidential challenger Joseph “Jock” Yablonski, his mom, and his sister dead….
Sat, Jan 4
1971—George Mellendorf, in Vietnam, mails a letter to the White House complaining of slow mail delivery. His answer arrives in 1978. 1965—Having forced UC Berkeley Regents to drop their ban on political speech, the Free Speech Movement holds a rally that’s legal for a change. 1960—During a Minimum Interval Takeoff at Pease AFB, the second…
Fri, Jan 3
2021—Dolt #45 tries to replace Acting AG Rosen with Jeffrey Clark, who’s more likely to back his coup. 2006—Hotshot Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff pleads guilty to three felony counts for defrauding Indian tribes and bribing officials. 1967—Jack Ruby conveniently dies in prison while awaiting retrial. 1966—Ronald Reagan runs for Governor of California, which, he says,…
Thurs, Jan 2
2021—Sen. Romney warns Majority Leader McConnell that insurrectionists want to burn down his home and storm the Capitol, and the guy who can stop it is the one who started it. 2021—Georgia Sec. of State Brad Raffensperger refuses Dolt #45’s demand that he “find 11,780 votes.” 1996—At Bill Clinton’s invitation, Monica Lewinsky drops by the…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.