Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Thurs, Dec 12
2006—The Portsmouth Herald misquotes Sen. Barack Obama [D-Ill.], who, the day before, in Portsmouth, did not say, “The moral arc of the universe bends at the elbow of justice.” 2005— “I think we are welcomed [in Iraq],” says George W.[MD] Bush, “but it was not a peaceful welcome.” 2000—The Supreme Court selects George W.[MD] Bush…
Wed, Dec 11
2006—President George W.[MD] Bush, on national TV, denies having ever been “a knee-walking drunk.” 2000—The Supreme Court hears arguments in the matter of Bush v. Gore. 1998—President Clinton begs forgiveness for his sins. Instead he gets three Articles of Impeachment. 1985—Veep George H.[H.]W. Bush, at a Manchester, N.H., dinner honoring the late William Loeb, demeans…
Tues, Dec 10
2011—The gundalow Piscataqua is launched on the eponymous river. 2004—Gary Webb, who exposed the CIA-Contra drug connection, dies from two gunshots in the face. The coroner calls it suicide. 1998—House Judiciary Committee debates impeaching Pres. Clinton for lying about his lewd behavior. 1992—Sen. Bob Packwood (Lecher-Ore.) apologizes for being a serial groper but refuses to…
Mon, Dec 9
2019—Leaked documents reveal that officials lied about the war in Afghanistan. Some profess to be shocked. 2008—The Governor of Illinois, Democrat Rod Blagojevich, is arrested for attempting to sell a Senate seat. 1983—Ed “Meese is a Pig” Meese says people go to soup kitchens because it’s “easier than paying.” 1970—Because he’s talking to General Al…
Sun, Dec 8
2006—Congress votes to destroy the U.S. Postal Service by making it pre-fund pensions for 50 years. 2004—Sec. of Defenselessness Donald Rumsfeld tells disgruntled soldiers to quit bitching and go to war with the unarmored vehicles he gave them. 1993—Bill Clinton signs NAFTA, shipping umpteen jobs elsewhere. 1982—An anti-nuclear weapon protestor, Norman D. Mayer threatens to…
Sat, Dec 7
2006—The “Justice” Department fires eight prosecutors for failing to persecute enough Democrats. 1997—Six skydivers leap from a plane over the South Pole. Three of them die when their chutes fail to open. 1995—France is virtually paralyzed when 1.75 million workers protest global exploitation. 1993—The Department of Energy admits it conducted more than 200 secret weapons…
Fri, Dec 6
1967—Chaplain Angelo “Charlie” Liteky carries 23 wounded men to safety in Vietnam despite intense hostile fire. For his bravery he is given the Medal of Honor, which he returns in 1986 to protest U.S. foreign policy. 1962—Speaking to journalists at the Deadline Club in New York City, Pentagon spokesman Arthur Sylvester says “It’s [the] government’s…
Thurs, Dec 5
2013—Ex-Senator Scott Brown says, in N.H., he’s been helping Republicans “raise awareness as to the issues… here in Massachusetts.” 2002—At a party on Strom Thurmond’s 100th birthday, GOP Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott expresses regret over desegregation. 2001—A B-52, sent the wrong co-ordinates, bombs U.S. Special Forces in Afghanistan, killing three. 1996—Federal Reserve Chair Greenspan…
Wed, Dec 4
2016—To free the fictitious child sex slaves of the Democrat Party, Edgar Welch shoots up Comet Ping Pong in Washington D.C. with a real gun. 1993—R.I.P. Frank Zappa. 1982—Returning from a trip to Latin America, President Reagan says, “I learned a lot. You’d be surprised. They’re all individual countries.” 1981—President Reagan OK’s CIA spying on…
Tues, Dec 3
2013—In Londonderry, N.H., failed Senate nominee Scott Brown says “I don’t think I ever said I was thinking about running for president,” 16 weeks after telling the Boston Herald he was thinking about running for president. 2004—George W.[MD] Bush nominates Bernard Kerik [later to be known as Federal Inmate 84888-054] to be Secretary of Homeland…
Mon, Dec 2
2020—Roger Stone says that to help steal the election, North Korean boats brought bogus ballots into the U.S. through harbors in Maine. 1986—Pres. Ronald Reagan says he can’t remember what he knew about Iran-Contra, or when he knew it. 1984—Union Carbide’s Bhopal, India plant kills 16,000. Union Carbide is forced to pay $14,000 in fines….
Sun, Dec 1
2017—Ex-Lieut. General and former Trump National Security Advisor Michael Flynn does the perp walk. 2007—Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani, at Federal Cigar in Portsmouth, refuses to autograph a New Hampshire Gazette for counterman Dave McNicholas, but agrees to sign a photo of himself—which he takes with him when he leaves. 2003—Howard Dean, leading the pack in…
Sat, Nov 30
2016—Trump spokesperson Scottie Nell Hughes—pro-gun despite her brother having been shot dead at eight by a 12-year-old—tells NPR’s Diane Rehm, “There’s no such thing, unfortunately, anymore, of facts.” [sic] 1999—A WTO meeting in Seattle is called off due to anarchists. 1974—Rep. Wilbur Mills (D-Ark.) appears onstage at Boston’s Pilgrim Theater with stripper Fanne Foxe. 1972—Nixon…
Fri, Nov 29
2015—To protect the lives of fetuses, Robert L. Dear kills three adults and wounds nine more at Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic. 2011—Busted for trading meth to a male informant for sex, ex-Arapahoe County (Colo.) Sheriff Patrick Sullivan is put in a jail named after himself. 1976—For accidentally plugging his bass player, Jerry Lee Lewis is…
Thurs, Nov 28
2008—At a Long Island Wal-Mart, shoppers literally bust doors and trample Jdimytai Damour, 34, to death. 2005—Ex-Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham (R-Calif.) pleads guilty to selling votes and dodging taxes. 1992—To amuse his teen daughter, Gregg Austin Gingrich, 38, leaps onto a Grand Canyon guard wall and pretends to lose his footing. He then loses his…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.