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Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)


Fri, Feb 3

2012—“Today is the day that in 1924 Woodrow Wilson died, that son of a bitch,” says radio-active dingbat Glenn Beck, “and I’m happy.” 2006—After Don Rumsfeld likens H. Chavez to Hitler, Venezuela’s VP compares the U.S. to the Third Reich. 1959—In Iowa, a plane crash kills Buddy Holly, “The Big Bopper,” and Richie Valens. 1956—Elvis…

Thurs, Feb 2

2018—A Tesla roadster is launched into space. The car company’s CEO is, unfortunately, not behind the wheel. 2015—A week after a two-foot snowstorm, Po’Town gets 18 inches more. 1991—Before Desert Storm ground combat begins, the Pentagon bans the press from the Dover morgue. 1979—Zbigniew Brzezinski advises Jimmy Carter, “We should be careful not to overgeneralize…….

Wed, Feb 1

2005—Though Canada OK’s same-sex marriage, the world does not end. 2004—Janet Jackson’s nipple is briefly bared on TV; the world nearly ends. 1974—Richard Nixon meets for twenty minutes with the Messiah, aka Reverend Sun Myung Moon. 1972—Rev. Billy Graham explains to President Nixon that a group of Jews, the Biblical “synagogue of Satan,” had the…

Tues, Jan 31

2003—At the White House, George W.[MD] Bush tells Tony Blair he’s going to invade Iraq with or without WMDs, and diplomacy will have to fit around the military strategy. 1984—President Reagan alleges the U.S. has a problem with “people who are sleeping on the grates…homeless…you might say, by choice.” 1971—In Detroit, Vietnam Veterans Against the…

Mon, Jan 30

2005—A U.S. official reports that $9,000,000,000 is … well … sort of … missing in Iraq. 1981—An FB-111A “Aardvark” based at Pease AFB crashes near homes at Mariner’s Village, about 1.25 miles northwest of Market Square. One apartment building is destroyed; no one is injured. 1976—The Supreme Court decides that limiting campaign contributions would unfairly…

Sun, Jan 29

2002—Qassem Suleimani, Commander of the Quds Force—who had been considering a rapprochement between Iran and the U.S.—goes ballistic after George W.[MD] Bush’s “Axis of Evil” speech. Also: Bush asks Senate Majority Leader Daschle to limit investigations into 9/11. 1991—“Our forces in the Gulf will not stay there one day longer than is necessary,” says George…

Sat, Jan 28

2008—In his last (yay!) State of the Union speech, George W.[MD] Bush promises his budget will keep the U.S. “on track for a surplus in 2012.” 2004—U.S. weapons inspector David Kay tells the Senate pre-war WMD intelligence was “almost all wrong.” 2003—In his State of the Union, George W.[MD] Bush lies about tubes, viruses, alliances,…

Fri, Jan 27

2015—It snows so hard in Portsmouth that mail carriers fail to make their appointed rounds. 2008—The NSA warns that a malfunctioning satellite as big as a bus is about to fall out of orbit. 2005—Veep Dick “Dick” Cheney wears a down parka and ski cap to a memorial ceremony at Auschwitz. 2005—Salon reveals thathack writer…

Thurs, Jan 26

2015—Another two feet of snow fall on Portsmouth. 2006—On Sunset Blvd., Joaquin Phoenix is rescued from his rolled, gas-reeking car by Werner Herzog. 2005—Gay hustler and accredited White House correspondent Jeff Gannon asks Pres. G.W.[MD] Bush how he can work with insane people like Harry Reid and Hillary Clinton. 2001—Britain’s Guardian reports [falsely] that Air…

Wed, Jan 25

2005—Conservative columnist Maggie Gallagher admits taking $21,500 from the government for plugging Bush Administration proposals. 2004—Senator John McCain confirms to Vermin Supreme that Karl Rove dynamited the Old Man of the Mountain “in a fit of anger” over McCain’s defeat of George W.[MD] Bush in the 2000 N.H. Primary. 2002—White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales advises…

Tues, Jan 24

2015—The winter’s first snow falls in Portsmouth. It will not be the last. 2001—GOP hack Rich Galen reports (falsely) that outgoing Gore staffers slashed all the power cords in the Office of the Vice President. 1999—Joe DiMaggio, watching “Dateline NBC,” is disturbed to read in the “crawl” that he has died. 1992—Gov. Bill Clinton flies…

Mon, Jan 23

2016—The Republican nominee, in Sioux City, Iowa, says “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.” 1986—After getting a FOIA request from the son of the Agency’s former station chief in Mexico City, the CIA destroys audio tape of Lee Harvey Oswald talking on the phone…

Sun, Jan 22

2008—The Center for Public Integrity documents 935 instances of “orchestrated deception” by President George W.[MD] Bush and seven top officials leading up to the Iraq War. 1997—Walking in a Tulsa park, Lottie Williams is hit on the shoulder by a small falling chunk of a Delta rocket. 1987—Pennsylvania Treasurer Budd Dwyer, charged with fraud, blows…

Sat, Jan 21

2001—With George W.[MD] Bush duly sworn in, Paul Wolfowitz, Ahmad Chalaby, Doug Feith and other neocons meet at Richard Perle’s home to discuss regime change in Iraq. 2001—Ignoring the jeers of 20,000 demonstrators, the New York Times “reports” George W.[MD] Bush may usher in a “new era of…social justice.” 1997—Newt Gingrich becomes the first Speaker…

Fri, Jan 20

2017—After D.J. Trump gives his “American Carnage” speech, George W.[MD] Bush says to Hillary Clinton, “Well, that was some weird shit.” 2009—“If I ever run for President,” says Donald Trump, “please shoot me.” 2009—The GOP’s top Members of Congress gather to plot against the newly-inaugurated President. 2009—Swearing in President Obama off the top of his…


Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.

The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.

Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.

The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.