Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Sun, Oct 4
2017—America learns the hard way it has 800 troops in Niger: four Green Berets are killed in an ambush. 2004—SpaceShipOne, Burt Rutan’s tourist rocket, makes it to space a second time, winning the Ansari X Prize. 2002—Knight-Ridder: “The White House and the Pentagon…are pressuring intelligence analysts to highlight information that supports Bush’s Iraq policy.” One…
Sat, Oct 3
2009—Combat Outpost Keating, in Nuristan, badly-sited and scheduled for abandonment, is mostly overrun by Taliban fighters who capture weapons and ammunition, leaving eight Americans dead and 27 wounded. 2006—Republicans in Congress try to “roll over” $20 million set aside for a celebration of victory in Iraq. 2003—National Enquirer: Rush Limbaugh is under investigation for illegally…
Fri, Oct 2
2003—Survey chief David Kay reports that his three-month, $300 million search for Saddam Hussein’s WMD has turned up squat. 2002—George W.[MD] Bush calls Iraq “a threat of unique urgency,” because of its arsenal of scary WMDs. 1990—Three Texans in a Cessna come within 30 feet of clearing Mt. Washington. Their bodies are brought down on…
Thurs, Oct 1
2013—In the name of fiscal discipline, Republicans shut down the government. Cost to the economy: $24 billion. 2003—With the blessings of Gov. Benson [R-$], Free Staters choose New Hampshire as their libertarian paradise. 2002—Northern Command is established to “Defend America’s Homeland”—posse comitatus be damned. 2002—George W.[MD] Bush claims he hasn’t “made up his mind we’re…
Wed, Sept 30
2025—Former Fox “News” guy Pete Hegseth assembles the DOD’s top brass and orders them to “Stop being fat.” 2016—N.H.’s Attorney General reports that ex-Rep. Kyle Tasker [R-Nottingham] sold pot to five other State Reps. – for medicinal purposes. 2011—U.S. citizen Anwar al-Awlaki is smote by a drone in Yemen. Trial? We don’t need no stinkin’…
Tues, Sept 29
2008—The Dow drops 777 points. 2006—Anti child-porn crusader Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.) resigns after his lurid e-mails to young males leak. 2002—George W.[MD] Bush claims Iraq has WMDs and al-Qaeda terrorists, and will soon have a nuke. 1976—Congress arrogates to itself, in the Hyde Amendment, the power to make medical decisions for women. 1972—A short,…
Mon, Sept 28
2015—After meeting with evangelicals, Trump asks an aide, “Can you believe people believe that bullshit?” 2001—To avoid further scorn in these pages, Fleet Bank removes its 18-foot tall green, illuminated sign from the middle of Pleasant Street’s sidewalk. 1978—Pope John Paul I dies 33 days into his papacy under circumstances that raise suspicions of murder….
Sun, Sept 27
2018—Brett Kavanaugh whines, weeps, and shouts while badgering the Senate Judiciary Committee. 2002—Donald Rumsfeld says a made-up link between al-Qaeda and Iraq is “accurate and not debatable.” 2000—Frank Wills, the guard who discovered the Watergate burglary, dies at 52, of a brain tumor, in poverty. 1994—On the Capitol steps, 350 GOP candidates led by Newt…
Sat, Sept 26
2022—Mysterious forces sabotage Russia’s NordStream gas pipeline. 2016—“We’ve got a couple things up our sleeve that should turn this thing around,” says Rudy Giuliani, two days before Jim Comey reveals the Clinton email investigation is on again. 2001—Six or eight CIA spooks invade Afghanistan in a Soviet Mi-17 helicopter with $3 million cash. 1983—Lieutenant Colonel…
Fri, Sept 25
2025—The Presidential Sharpie scribbles on NSDM-7, re-defining reality. Now if you don’t love America, Christianity, or capitalism enough – or if you love immigrants too much – you’re fomenting political violence. 2007—Because Judge Sharon Keller refuses to work overtime, Texas gets to kill Michael Richard on schedule. 2002—Disregarding facts, George W.[MD] Bush says, “You can’t…
Thurs, Sept 24
2007—A plane once used for “rendition” flights, carrying alleged terrorists to Gitmo, crashes in the Yucatan with 3.3 tons of cocaine on board. 2006—The New York Times reports that our spies think the Iraq War makes Islamic terrorism more likely. 2006—George W.[MD] Bush says, “When the final history is written on Iraq, it will look…
Wed, Sept 23
1999—The $328 million Climate Orbiter crashes on Mars, because Lockheed forgot to use the metric system. 1990—As Dan Quayle speaks at a $2,500-plate fundraiser in Portland, Ore., the Reverse Peristalsis Painters protest by vomiting red, white, and blue mashed potatoes. 1989—Army Rangers and a gang of drug dealers have a half-hour gun battle across Tacoma’s…
Tues, Sept 22
2023—Canada’s Parliament gives a standing ovation to “Ukrainian hero” Yaroslav Hunka—an SS vet of WW II. 2003—“A year from now,” Richard Perle says, “I’ll be very surprised if there is not some grand square in Baghdad that is named after President Bush.” 1987—Navy Reserve Capt. Timothy J. Dorsey shoots down a Navy plane during a…
Mon, Sept 21
2014—ISIS calls Sec. of State John Kerry an “uncircumcised old geezer.” 2001—CIA chief George Tenet tells the V.P. his claim that Iraq and al-Qaeda are linked is crap, but Dick “Dick” Cheney goes on repeating it. 1989—The Chase Manhattan Bank accepts for deposit a check sent as a prank by Spy Magazine. Endorsed by “short-fingered…
Sun, Sept 20
2024—Tom Homan, who’s now Border Czar, accepts $50,000 cash in a paper bag, telling FBI agents he’ll help them get contracts if Trump is elected. 2006—“The devil came here yesterday,” says Hugo Chavez at the UN, “and it smells of sulfur still today.” 2001—George W.[MD] Bush declares a War on a noun, viz., Terror, before…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.