Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Mon, July 14
2004—The GOP tries to ban gay marriage but can’t rise to the occasion. 2000—Five tobacco companies are ordered to pay $145 billion in damages, but they wiggle off the hook. 1989—Alabama tries twice, 19 minutes apart, to electrocute Horace F. Dunkins, who’s Black and developmentally-disabled. The first try fails because the chair is wired wrong….
Sun, July 13
2024—A weirdo fails to assassinate a weird presidential candidate. 1987—Senator Warren B. Rudman [R-N.H] sets Ollie North straight during the Iran-Contra hearings: “The American people have the constitutional right to be wrong.” 1977—During a heat wave and a financial crisis, with Son of Sam on the loose, lightning strikes cause a blackout in New York…
Sat, July 12
2022—Seabrook sirens go off in error. 2020—A poorly-fought four-day fire turns the $2 billion USS Bonhomme Richard into $3.6 million in scrap. 1982—FEMA pledges that even in a nuclear war, the mail will get through. 1973—A fire in St. Louis, Mo. destroys the service records of 16 to 18 million Army and Air Force veterans….
Fri, July 11
2003—Condi Rice lies about White House knowledge of Joe Wilson’s Niger investigation; Ari Fleischer outs Valerie Plame as a CIA officer; Karl Rove lies to Time about Wilson’s wife, Plame; and CIA head George Tenet takes the rap for the White House’s lies about Iraq buying uranium. 1998—Arkansas Governor “Mike” Huckabee’s son David, working as…
Thurs, July 10
2007—China executes its Director of the State Food and Drug Administration for taking bribes that resulted in 40 deaths. Hmmm… . 2001—A Phoenix FBI agent sends a memo to FBI HQ warning of “an inordinate number” of suspicious characters in local flight schools, possibly as part of a bin Laden plot. It’s ignored. 2001—CIA boss…
Wed, July 9
2004—“I trust God speaks through me,” George W.[MD] Bush tells a group of Amish people. “Without that, I couldn’t do my job.” 1993—To prove it’s unbreakable, Toronto lawyer Garry Hoy hurls himself against a 24th floor window. It pops from its frame; he falls to his death. 1986—Ed “Meese is a Pig” Meese publishes a…
Tues, July 8
2022—Ex-PM and Moonie-enabler Shinzo Abe is assassinated with a home-made gun; its maker’s family’s went broke giving to the “church.” 2016—Police in Dallas kill a suspected cop-killer with a robotic bomb. 1981—“I think every good Christian ought to kick (Jerry) Falwell right in the ass,” says Sen. Barry Goldwater. 1976—The State of New York yanks…
Mon, July 7
1986—Reagan’s A.G., Ed Meese, finagles quasi-legislative status for Presidential Signing Statements, which previously had had little impact, merely by persuading West Publishing to include them in law books. 1972—Near Danang, Battery B of the 82nd Field Arty. takes out four men from the 196th Inf. Bde. in the last major friendly fire incident of the…
Sun, July 6
2013—A runaway fuel train derails and burns, destroying half of downtown Lac Megantic, Quebec. 2001—Ex-FBI Special Agent, devout Catholic, patron of strippers, and exhibitionist Robert Hanssen pleads guilty to selling U.S. secrets to the U.S.S.R., then to the Russians. 1971—President Nixon sets up a “Plumbers Unit” to stop leaks. 1962—To test its dirt-moving capacity, the…
Sat, July 5
1984—The Miami Herald exposes Rex 84, a gummint plan to jail thousands of citizens if they get too unruly. 1968—Khe Sanh, where 737 Marines died in 78-day siege, is abandoned. 1968—Congress tramples on the First Amendment while falsely claiming it’s somehow “protecting” the flag. 1960—Isabel “Dimples” Cooper, 46, is buried in Culver City, Calif., a…
Fri, July 4
1986—U.S.M.C. LCpl. Howard Foote, a mechanic, safely lands an A-4M Skyhawk fighter jet at El Toro Air Station after a 30-min. joyride. He gets four months in the brig. 1973—R. Nixon’s psychiatrist writes in the N.Y. Times that candidates ought to have their heads examined. 1970—At “Honor America” day in D.C., Billie Graham and Bob…
Thurs, July 3
1994—The Mayor of Boulder, Colo. declares it’s “Allen Ginsberg Day.” 1993—In just leather jacket, dog collar, and jockstrap, punk rocker G.G. Allin is laid to rest at St. Rose Cemetery in his hometown, Littleton, N.H. 1988—The USS Vincennes, in Iranian waters, shoots down an Iranian airliner ascending within a commercial air corridor; 290 civilians die….
Wed, July 2
2024—SCOTUS discovers an overlooked “Get Out of Jail Free” card for presidents in the Constitution. 2020—“I think we are going to be very good with the coronavirus,” says the Oaf in the Oval, “at some point, that’s going to sort of just disappear.” 1981—Irish Cardinal Tomás Ó Fiaich descends in a helicopter for a mass…
Tues, July 1
2024—SCOTUS discovers an overlooked “Get Out of Jail Free” card for presidents in the Constitution. 2020—“I think we are going to be very good with the coronavirus,” says the Oaf in the Oval, “at some point, that’s going to sort of just disappear.” 1981—Irish Cardinal Tomás Ó Fiaich descends in a helicopter for a mass…
Mon, June 30
2014—The Supreme Court rules in Hobby Lobby that people who are corporations have religious rights, too. 2003—The Army Times reports that the Bush administration wants to cut combat and family-separation pay for troops in combat zones. 1984—GOP Chairman: “Put Ronald Reagan’s face on Mt. Rushmore.” 1982—With help from Ollie North, FEMA promulgates Rex 84, a…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.