Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Mon, Feb 17
2021—After poisoning U.S. discourse for 37 years, oxygen thief Rush Limbaugh shuts his lying trap. 2017—President Trump declares the press to be the enemy of the people. 2015—A study finds that previous tallies of lynchings in the U.S. had under-counted by at least 800. 2006—Harry Whittington apologizes to Dick “Dick” Cheney for having absorbed a…
Sun, Feb 16
1982—Nancy Reagan says, via an aide, she’ll no longer accept “loaned” threads from big name designers because she’s “really…tired of people misinterpreting what she was doing.” 1978—The first computer bulletin board goes online in Chicago. Uh-oh. 1976—The Village Voice publishes excerpts from the House-suppressed Pike Report; among other sins, the CIA, the FBI, and the…
Sat, Feb 15
2003—It’s the largest demonstration in history—up to ten million people, in 600 cities around the world, say “No” to Bush 43’s Iraq War. 1989—After just a little over nine years in-country, quick-thinking Soviets pull out of Afghanistan. 1988—Environmentalists, supporting striking workers, storm Int’l. Paper’s Jay, Maine plant 10 days after scabs create a huge chlorine…
Fri, Feb 14
2016—A cargo jet linked to the CIA lands in Harare, Zimbabwe carrying 67 tons of South African currency and the decomposing body of a Black man. 2016—With wind blowing 20 m.p.h., and the thermometer at -13°, the wind chill in Portsmouth falls to -38°. 2015—Another 18 inches of snow fall on Portsmouth, making nearly eight…
Thurs, Feb 13
2013—Justice Antonin Scalia goes to his final judgment. 2008—The Senate tells the CIA to cool it with the waterboarding. 2007—An Al-Qaeda tape calls George W.[MD] Bush a drunk gambler. 2002—Donald Rumsfeld’s ex-assistant Ken Adelman predicts the Iraq War will be a “cakewalk.” 1991—A super-accurate, laser-guided U.S. bomb kills some 400 Iraqi civilians in a bunker…
Wed, Feb 12
2004—USA Today reports that former top Texas Air National Guard officers say files were “cleansed” to protect George W.[MD] Bush. 1999—N.H.Senators Gregg and Smith notwithstanding, the Senate finds President Clinton not guilty. 1983—SS Marine Electric, a rusted, beat-up hulk whose lying owners faked inspections, sinks off Virginia; three survive from a crew of 34. 1976—The…
Tues, Feb 11
2017—The U.S. President and the Japanese Prime Minister confer and read classified documents about a North Korean missile launch while surrounded by diners at Mar-a-Lago. 2014—An FEC report confirms what his mom and sis said: U.S. Rep. Frank Guinta lied, that $355,000 wasn’t his. 2013—Bad news today from KRTV in Great Falls, Mont.: “the bodies…
Mon, Feb 10
2020—“You know, a lot of people think [Covid-19] goes away in April with the heat,” predicts Dolt #45. 2014—Donald J. Trump tells Fox “News,” “When the economy crashes, when the country goes to total hell, and everything is a disaster, then you’ll have riots to go back to where we used to be, when we…
Sun, Feb 9
2007—A Pentagon report concludes that Douglas Feith’s policy office inappropriately manipulated intelligence on Iraq. Punished? Hell, no. 2001—The USS Greeneville, demonstrating an emergency ballast-blowing maneuver for 16 “Distinguished Visitors” onboard, half with Texas oil and Bush connections, sinks a Japanese high-school fishery training ship off Hawaii, killing five adult crew and four high-school students. 1982—George…
Sat, Feb 8
2020—Given a choice between a second term for Trump or “a giant meteor [striking] the earth, extinguishing all human life,” a poll says 62% of N.H. Democrats would prefer the meteor. 2015—Another two feet of snow fall on Portsmouth. It’s five feet deep now. 1996—The Telecommunications Act gives corporations airwaves worth $70 billion, eliminates ownership…
Fri, Feb 7
2013—Mississippi abolishes slavery. 1998—GOP-run Congress names Washington National after the guy who fired all our air traffic controllers. 1991—The IRA drops a 140 lb. mortar round behind 10 Downing St. 1982—At Newark Airport, Ellen Kaplan, 5’4,” asks Henry Kissinger if he sleeps with young boys. Nancy Kissinger, 6′, grabs her by the neck and asks,…
Thurs, Feb 6
2020—It’s 65° Fahrenheit at the Esperanza Base, in Antarctica. 2013—In Seabrook, N.H., Phantom Fireworks sells Tamerlan Tsarnaev 1.5 lbs. of black powder and gives him another 1.5 pounds for free. 1978—The worst blizzard in recorded history hits the northeast with hurricane winds and feet of snow; 100 die. 1976—Lockheed admits it’s paid $7 million in…
Wed, Feb 5
2021—An inebriated man in a red hat with “mouse ears” spends five hours wandering around Joint Base Andrews, home to Air Force One. 2007—Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak is arrested for attempting to kidnap another astronaut’s girlfriend and misappropriating NASA diapers. 2003—Secretary of State Colin Powell tells the UN that Saddam Hussein’s Iraq is bristling with…
Tues, Feb 4
2009—While giving a TED Talk on malaria prevention at Long Beach, Calif., Bill Gates releases a jarful of mosquitoes to feast on the audience. 1982—Phoenix, Ariz. resident David Grundman is killed when the 26-foot, 500 lb. saguaro he shot falls on him. 1976—Lockheed admits to paying $22 million in bribes to sell aircraft. 1974—William Randolph…
Mon, Feb 3
2012—“Today is the day that in 1924 Woodrow Wilson died, that son of a bitch,” says radio-active dingbat Glenn Beck, “and I’m happy.” 2006—After Don Rumsfeld likens H. Chavez to Hitler, Venezuela’s VP compares the U.S. to the Third Reich. 1959—A Beechcraft Bonanza crashes in Iowa, killing Buddy Holly, “The Big Bopper,” and Richie Valens….
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.