Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Sat, Aug 8
2022—The FBI raids Trumpland. 1989—E. Robert Wallach, a close pal of Ed “Meese is a Pig” Meese, is convicted of racketeering. He pocketed $425,000 to influence Meese and others as part of Wedtech Corp.’s scheme to win defense contracts. 1986—Elliott Abrams cadges $10 million from Brunei’s Foreign Minister in a London park, to be used…
Fri, Aug 7
2016—Verrückt (German for “insane”), the world’s tallest waterslide, built in Kansas City by men who later admitted that they didn’t know what they were doing, and exempt from state licensing, decapitates the 10-year-old son of a Kansas state rep. 1974—Three GOP bigwigs tell Nixon he’s through. Len Garment talks him out of pardoning the Watergate…
Thurs, Aug 6
2016—“One of my proudest moments,” says Senator “Moscow Mitch” McConnell [R-Ky.], “was when I told President Obama, ‘You will not fill this Supreme Court vacancy.’” 2011—An RPG downs a Chinook in the Tangi Valley, killing all 38 on board; 30 are Americans, the most to die in a single incident in Afghanistan. 2001—The CIA hands…
Wed, Aug 5
2011—S&P lowers the U.S.’s credit rating because the GOP says it might not let the government pay its bills. 2007—On Lake Winnipesaukee, the President of France, clad only in swim trunks, jumps into the boat of AP’s N.H.-based ace photographer Jim Cole and berates him for doing his job. 2004—“Our enemies,” says George W.[MD] Bush,…
Tues, Aug 4
2003—When lightning sets fire to a warehouse in Bardstown, Ky., 800,000 gallons of Jim Beam gush out of 19,000 barrels. Thousands of fish die in a flaming river, while high winds whip up a 100-foot firenado. 1997—Skynet goes online, removing human decisions from strategic defense systems. What could go wrong? 1992—Republicans re-nominate the Bush/Quayle ticket….
Mon, Aug 3
1981—Air traffic controllers give Ronald Reagan his cue to grandstand. 1980—Ronald Reagan touts “states’ rights” in his first post-convention speech—two miles from the site where, 19 years earlier, three murdered civil rights workers were buried. 1971—New Hampshire man Alan Shepard hits a golf ball on the moon. 1966—RIP Lenny Bruce, prosecuted to death at the…
Sun, Aug 2
2002—George W.[MD] Bush signs a law to let U.S. commandos invade Holland to free any U.S. troops being tried for war crimes at The Hague. 2000—The GOP picks George W.[MD] Bush to preside, and Dick “Dick” Cheney to run the country. 1993—A short circuit sends a self-destruct command to a Titan IV rocket which blows…
Sat, Aug 1
2023—Dolt #45 gets his 3rd set of felony indictments: four counts of trying to overturn an election he lost. 2007—An interstate highway bridge in Minneapolis collapses, killing 13. 2002—The George W.[MD] Bush administration adopts a new policy: torture is now The American Way.™ 1974—Vice President Ford meets with Al Haig for 50 minutes; they talk…
Fri, July 31
2001—Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld sends a memo to Under Secretary for Policy Douglas Feith: “We ought to have on our radar screen oil—Venezuela, the Caucasus, Indonesia—anywhere we think it may exist and how it fits into our strategies.” 1999—Eugene Shoemaker becomes the first Earthling to have his cremated remains interred on the moon. 1996—Gerald Ford…
Thurs, July 30
2015—The U.S. is “just an oligarchy, with unlimited political bribery being the essence,” writes ex-Pres. Carter. 1975—Jimmy Hoffa is last glimpsed by anyone who’s talking. 1974—Two of 17 Republicans on the Judiciary Committee vote to impeach Nixon for contempt of Congress. 1969—“History will record that this may have been one of America’s finest hours,” says…
Wed, July 29
1994—Pro-life Reverend Paul Jennings Hill shotguns Dr. John Britton and his bodyguard James Barrett to death, and wounds Barrett’s wife June. 1986—Ex-Chaplain Charlie Liteky, protesting U.S. policies in Latin America, renounces the Medal of Honor he got for heroism in Vietnam. 1981—Congress passes Ronald Reagan’s tax cut for the rich. 1974—Ten Republicans out of 17…
Tues, July 28
2012—Three elderly troublemakers infiltrate Oak Ridge, Tenn. and spill blood on its nuclear weapons plant. 2006—High winds topple the North Church’s spire onto Pleasant Street. 1967—Gov. Reagan signs a gun control bill 87 days after armed Black Panthers visit the Calif. State House. 1945—A kamikaze biplane sinks the “tin can” USS Callaghan off Okinawa. 1945—A…
Mon, July 27
2017—Trump tells Russia, “If you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing.” 2008—Citing Fox News’ Bernard Goldberg as his inspiration, J.D. Adkisson shotguns a Knoxville church, killing two and wounding seven. 1996—Eric Robert “Pro-Life” Rudolph bombs the Atlanta Olympics. 1974—Eleven Republicans out of 17 on the Judiciary Committee vote…
Sun, July 26
2018—A travel trailer tire blowout near Redding, Calif. sends sparks flying from the wheel rim; a 154-mph fire tornado kills four and injures six. 1968—Newly elected, the President of South Vietnam jails the runner-up. 1968—Mexico massacres its students. 1953—Arizona State Police and National Guard arrest the whole damn town of Short Creek for polygamy. 1950—The…
Sat, July 25
2019—Pres. Trump makes a “perfect” phone call to Pres. Zelenskyy. 2000—In a touching display of naiveté, George W.[MD] Bush announces that he has picked Dick “Dick” Cheney as running mate. 1990—Ambassador April Glaspie tells Saddam the U.S. won’t take sides in an Iraq-Kuwait border dispute. 1975—Chester Plummer, Jr., a Black ’Nam vet with a three-foot…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.