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Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)


Tues, March 19

2023—The presses of the Portsmouth Herald go silent after running their final locally-printed edition. 2011—The U.S. and France attack Libya—for its own good, of course. 2003—George W.[MD] Bush starts his pre-emptive war; 40 Tomahawk missiles hit residential Baghdad. 1987—Ed “Meese is a Pig” Meese endorses drug testing for schoolteachers. 1983—On “Diff’rent Strokes,” Nancy Reagan tells…

Mon, March 18

2004—At Gilley’s, Portsmouth narcs and off-duty cops hold round two of a fight begun at Paddy’s on St. Pat’s Day. 2003—“Why should we hear about body bags and death and how many?” asks Barbara Bush. “It’s not relevant…why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?” 1997—Two L.A.P.D. undercover cops have a road…

Sun, March 17

2017—Arguing Apocalypse Now in the Oval with ’Nam vets, Dolt #45 confuses Agent Orange with napalm. 2008—His high-priced hooker habit exposed, N.Y. Gov. E. Spitzer resigns. 2007—Navy Times: before he was a U.S.M.C. Cpl. and Fox News reporter, Matt Sanchez was a gay porn star. 2004—To honor St. Patrick, narcs and off-duty cops duke it…

Sat, March 16

2008—JPMorgan buys Bear Stearns, with the New York Fed’s $30 billion. 2003—On “Meet the Press,” Dick “Dick” Cheney claims that Saddam Hussein “has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons,” and that“we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.” 1993—“The Storm of the Century” kills 318 on the East Coast. 1990—GOP race whisperer Lee Atwater “repents” on…

Fri, March 15

2018—Six die and eight are injured in Miami when a bridge, designed by the same firm as the new Sarah Mildred Long Bridge, collapses. 1999—The “Hockey Stick” graph shows that global warming’s real; corporate demand for expert liars soars. 1989—To flatter veterans without incurring actual additional expenses, the Veterans Administration is elevated to Departmental status….

Thurs, March 14

2018—Hoping not to get shot like so many of their late peers, a million American students walk out of school to demand gun control that works. 1977—RIP Fannie Lou Hamer, organizer of the Mississippi Freedom Democratic Party, who said, “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.” 1965—“Except for Vietnam,” the AP reports Richard Nixon saying, “U.S. foreign…

Wed, March 13

2020—Dolt #45 states the obvious: “I don’t take responsibility at all.” 2019—Gambino family mob boss Frank Cali is whacked in front of his Staten Island home by a QAnon follower who thought “he was enjoying the protection of President Trump.” 2002—Asked about Osama bin Laden, George W.[MD] Bush says, “We haven’t heard much from him…I…

Tues, March 12

2014—Austin Ruse, head of the Catholic Family and Human Rights Institute, says on American Family Radio, “the hard left, human-hating people that run modern universities…should all be taken out and shot.” 2013—Jim Clapper, Dir. of Nat’l Intelligence, swears to Congress citizens aren’t being spied on. He’s lying. 2009—Frank Gaffney says Saddam Hussein may have been…

Mon, March 11

2020—Dolt #45 announces a travel ban; infected U.S. citizens turn airports all over into super-spreader sites. 2012—Freedom, Maine’s Town Meeting votes to amend the Constitution, nixing corporate “personhood.” 2011—An earthquake knocks Earth 10 inches off its axis, brings Japan four feet closer to the U.S., causes a tsunami that kills 15,850 people, and triggers three…

Sun, March 10

2020—“Just stay calm,” says Dolt #45. “It [Covid] will go away.” 2004—Pres. George W.[MD] Bush is surprised to learn his Terrorist Surveillance Program expires that day, his lawyers won’t renew it, and his A.G., who will, has been in the ICU for a week. In a bedside standoff, Bush’s team loses. 1993—To show his respect…

Sat, March 9

2007—Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich admits he committed adultery while impeaching Bill Clinton. 1992—Donald Trump files his second bankruptcy in eight months. 1986—Divers locate the crew compartment of the Shuttle Challenger. 1982—It’s revealed that the Contras have gotten $19 million in covert aid. 1969—Terrified CBS execs nix the Vietnam drama “Sticks and Bones.” 1969—Terrified CBS execs…

Fri, March 8

1985—A joint U.S./U.K./Saudi operation detonates a 440 lb. car bomb in Beirut; 83 innocent civilians die. The target—also innocent—is unscathed. 1983—Ronald Reagan runs the phrase “evil empire” up the flagpole. 1973—President Nixon gripes to Al Haig, “What the hell’s Agnew doing? He’s never spoken up once on this Goddamn [Watergate] thing.” 1971—The Citizens Commission to…

Thurs, March 7

1981—Stabbed at Disneyland, Mel C. Yorba becomes the Magic Kingdom’s first murder victim, because Disney employees feared the consequences if they called an ambulance. 1965—Civil rights marchers en route to Montgomery try to cross the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma. They’re mercilessly beaten by law enforcement officers and deputized goons. 1960—In front of the Union…

Wed, March 6

2011—The Hooksett water treatment plant disgorges two million two-inch plastic discs into the Merrimack after heavy rains. By August they’re at Campobello Island and Rhode Island Sound, in 2014, the English Channel. 2007—Dick “Dick” Cheney’s Chief of Staff “Scooter” is found guilty of perjury and obstruction of justice. 2003—President George W.[MD] Bush claims Saddam Hussein…

Tues, March 5

2007—In Bloomington, Ill., Dee Riddle is startled by a meteorite crashing through her bedroom window. 2003—Dixie Chick Natalie Maines says she’s ashamed that George W.[MD] Bush is a Texan. 2001—A Nor’easter begins which will dump 40 inches of snow on New Hampshire’s Rockingham County. 1963—Patsy Cline, singer of “I Fall to Pieces,” dies when her…


Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.

The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.

Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.

The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.