Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Wed, Sept 9
2008—Lehman Bros., the nation’s fourth largest investment bank, loses 45 percent of its value. 2005—“You know,” says Glenn Beck, “it took me about a year to start hating the 9/11 victims families…When I see a 9/11 victim family on television…I’m just, like ‘Oh, shut up.’ ” 1988—Dan Quayle, who got into law school via an…
Tues, Sept 8
2018—Secretary of the Army Mark Esper posts an anti-suicide message on Facebook. It features a photo of Army SSgt. Robert Bales, then doing life for murdering 16 Afghan civilians. 2002—The N.Y. Times publishes lies about tubes based on a White House leak; the White House cites that story as proof Iraq plans to build nukes….
Mon, Sept 7
2003—Warren Zevon sleeps. 1996—Two women walk into the Norfolk (Va.) Naval Base with a banner reading “Love Your Enemies.” They’re promptly arrested. 1988—“Today is Pearl Harbor Day”: WW II vet George H.[H.]W. Bush. 1977—In the Oval Office, Eric Gairy, Grenada’s PM, presents Jimmy Carter with an invitation to visit from the supreme leader of Titania,…
Sun, Sept 6
2010—Alabama prison officials ban the reading of a Pulitzer-winning history of Black forced labor. 1978—The U.S.House opens hearings on the assassinations of JFK & MLK. On Dec. 30th they conclude that conspiracies were likely. 1966—The second term of South African Prime Minister Hendrik Verwoerd, the architect of apartheid, is cut short by five stab wounds….
Sat, Sept 5
2005—Barbara Bush says Hurricane Katrina was “working very well” for thousands of homeless refugees. 2002—Portsmouth loses Jay Smith, creator of the Press Room, Patron Saint of The Music Hall, &c. RIP. 1991—The D.C. home of Sen. Jesse Helms [R-N.C.] is covered by a giant condom, courtesy of ACT UP. 1990—Los Angeles Police Chief Darryl Gates…
Fri, Sept 4
2019—To prove that his Hurricane Dorian prediction was perfect, Donald J. Trump displays a fake map. 1997—Bombs explode in four Havana hotels. Perp and ex-CIA asset Luis Posada Carriles later enters the U.S. illegally and lives openly in Miami. 1992—Ex-South Vietnamese fighter pilot Ly Tong hijacks an Air Vietnam Airbus out of Bangkok. As it…
Thurs, Sept 3
2003—Because life is sacred, Florida poisons Paul Hill, who shotgunned Dr. John Britton and his bodyguard because life is sacred. Rinse & repeat. 1991—Locked doors, dead phones, and a lack of fire alarms kill 25 workers in a North Carolina chicken plant. 1971—As Richard Nixon speaks at a Milk Producers’ convention in Chicago, an aide…
Wed, Sept 2
1983—Mississippi’s execution of Jimmy Lee Gray goes poorly; executioner T. Berry Bruce is drunk. Officials clear the witness room after eight minutes, as Gray gasps, moans, and bangs his head on a steel pole. 1945—V-J Day—Japan surrenders to General “Dugout Doug” MacArthur aboard a battleship named after Pres. Harry S Truman’s home state. 1945—Cribbing freely…
Tues, Sept 1
2019—Meteorologist-in-Chief Donald J. Trump tweets that Hurricane Dorian will hit Alabama hard. Nope. 2005—New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin calls for George W.[MD] Bush and FEMA to “get off your asses and do something” about his flooded city. 1989—Narcs trying to score crack near the White House for a George H.[H.]W. Bush presidential photo-op get the…
Mon, Aug 31
2019—Portsmouth’s Daniel Street Post Office closes for good. Thanks a lot, Councilor, Congressman, Governor, and Senator Judd Gregg. 1973—The Gainesville Eight, antiwar veterans charged with conspiracy to riot at the 1972 Republican National Convention, are acquitted. 1965—President Johnson signs a bill making draft card burning illegal. 1963—Robert Bork publishes an article opposing the Civil Rights…
Sun, Aug 30
2007—Unbeknownst to the pilots, a B-52 takes off from N.D. with six live nukes onboard. Arriving in La., it sits unguarded from noon to 10:00 p.m. 2004—To milk 9/11 for all it’s worth, the RNC convenes in New York City. Attendees mock John Kerry and wounded vets in general by wearing “Purple Heart” band-aids. 1979—Deftly…
Sat, Aug 29
2013—Americans learn, thanks to Edward Snowden, that the annual “Black Budget” of the “Intelligence Community” is $52.6 billion a year. 2007—Due to careless accounting, an Air Force B-52 at Minot AFB in North Dakota is loaded with six live nukes, then left unguarded overnight. 1970—A 23-member band of Native Americans scale Mount Rushmore and re-name…
Fri, Aug 28
2022—A Medal of Freedom given to mobster Meyer Lansky by Pres. Truman sells at auction for $48,000. 2014—The nation suffers irreparable harm; the President wears a tan suit. 2005—Hurricane Katrina hits New Orleans and the levees break. 1969—Judith Love Cohen completes the Abort Guidance System—later used to bring Apollo 13 back to Earth—while in labor…
Thurs, Aug 27
2012—“We swept the vermin out,” boasts Chris Sununu, “[New Hampshire’s] now a solid Republican state.” 1991—An ABA panel rates Clarence Thomas. Two members find him “not qualified” for the Supreme Court; none find him “well-qualified.” 1980—FBI agents use C-4 to disarm a half-ton bomb planted in Harvey’s Resort Hotel in Stateline, Nevada. Result: a 50-…
Wed, Aug 26
2016—S.F.49er Colin Kaepernick protests against racial injustice by sitting while the National Anthem plays. 2014—At an Omaha Wendy’s, cops shoot a suspect “armed” with a fake pistol. Also killed: a soundman for “COPS,” which was on the scene. 1980—Ex-Luftwaffe pilot John Birges, trying to recoup his gambling losses, plants a half-ton bomb at Harvey’s Resort…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.