Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Thurs, Feb 12
2004—USA Today reports that former top Texas Air National Guard officers say files were “cleansed” to protect George W.[MD] Bush. 1999—N.H.Senators Gregg and Smith notwithstanding, the Senate finds President Clinton not guilty. 1983—SS Marine Electric, a rusted, beat-up hulk whose lying owners faked inspections, sinks off Virginia; three survive from a crew of 34. 1976—The…
Web, Feb 11
2017—The U.S. President and the Japanese Prime Minister confer and read classified documents about a North Korean missile launch while surrounded by diners at Mar-a-Lago. 2014—An FEC report confirms what his mom and sis said: U.S. Rep. Frank Guinta lied, that $355,000 wasn’t his. 2013—KRTV in Great Falls, Montana reports alarming news: “the bodies of…
Tues, Feb 10
2014—Donald J. Trump tells Fox “News,” “When the economy crashes, when the country goes to total hell, and everything is a disaster, then you’ll have riots to go back to where we used to be, when we were great.” 2010—Innovative tax protestor Joe Stack flies a fuel-laden Piper into the IRS Field Office in Austin,…
Mon, Feb 9
2007—A Pentagon report concludes that Douglas Feith’s policy office inappropriately manipulated intelligence on Iraq. Punished? Hell, no. 2001—The USS Greeneville, demonstrating an emergency ballast-blowing maneuver for 16 “Distinguished Visitors” onboard, half with Texas oil and Bush connections, sinks a Japanese high-school fishery training ship off Hawaii, killing five adult crew and four high-school students. 1995—Mexico…
Sun, Feb 8
2020—Given a choice between a second term for Trump or “a giant meteor [striking] the earth, extinguishing all human life,” a poll says 62% of N.H. Democrats would prefer the meteor. 2015—Another two feet of snow fall on Portsmouth. It’s five feet deep now. 1996—The Telecommunications Act gives corporations airwaves worth $70 billion, eliminates ownership…
Sat, Feb 7
2013—Mississippi abolishes slavery. 1998—GOP-run Congress names Washington National after the guy who fired all our air traffic controllers. 1991—The IRA drops a 140 lb. mortar round behind 10 Downing St. 1982—At Newark Airport, Ellen Kaplan, 5’4,” asks Henry Kissinger if he sleeps with young boys. Nancy Kissinger, 6′, grabs her by the neck and asks,…
Fri, Feb 6
2020—It’s 65° Fahrenheit at the Esperanza Base, in Antarctica. 2013—In Seabrook, N.H., Phantom Fireworks sells Tamerlan Tsarnaev 1.5 lbs. of black powder and gives him another 1.5 pounds for free. 1978—The worst blizzard in recorded history hits the northeast with hurricane winds and feet of snow; 100 die. 1976—Lockheed admits it’s paid $7 million in…
Thurs, Feb 5
2021—An inebriated man in a red hat with “mouse ears” spends five hours wandering around Joint Base Andrews, home to Air Force One. 2020—Senate Republicans fail to remove Donald Trump from office. 2007—Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak is arrested for attempting to kidnap another astronaut’s girlfriend, and for misappropriating NASA diapers. 2003—Secretary of State Colin Powell…
Wed, Feb 4
2023—With winds up to 25 m.p.h., and the thermometer at -12°, the wind chill in Portsmouth falls to -38°. 2009—At a TED Talk on malaria at Long Beach, Calif., Bill Gates releases mosquitoes to feast on the audience. 1982—Phoenix, Ariz. resident David Grundman is killed when the 26-foot, 500 lb. saguaro he shot falls on…
Tues, Feb 3
2012—“Today is the day that in 1924 Woodrow Wilson died, that son of a bitch,” says radio-active dingbat Glenn Beck, “and I’m happy.” 2006—After Don Rumsfeld likens H. Chavez to Hitler, Venezuela’s VP compares the U.S. to the Third Reich. 1959—A Beechcraft Bonanza crashes in Iowa, killing Buddy Holly, “The Big Bopper,” and Richie Valens….
Mon, Feb 2
2015—A week after a two-foot snowstorm, Po’Town gets 18 inches more. 2014—Mayor Bill de Blasio, fumbling, drops Chuck, the Staten Island Groundhog. Days later Chuck dies. 2009—Mayor Michael Bloomberg gets a bitten finger as he grapples with Chuck, the Staten Island Groundhog. 1991—Before Desert Storm ground combat begins, the Pentagon bans the press from the…
Sun, Feb 1
1974—Richard Nixon meets for twenty minutes with the Messiah, aka Reverend Sun Myung Moon. 1972—Reverend Billy Graham to Pres. R. Nixon: Jewish bankers and media, the “synagogue of Satan,” have the U.S. in a “stranglehold.” Nixon: “I can’t ever say it, but I believe it.” 1971—“The President is aware of what is going on in…
Sat, Jan 31
2003—At the White House, George W.[MD] Bush tells Tony Blair he’s going to invade Iraq, whether it’s got WMDs or not. Diplomacy will have to fit around the military strategy. 1984—President Reagan alleges the U.S. has a problem with “people who are sleeping on the grates… homeless… you might say, by choice.” 1971—In Detroit, Vietnam…
Fri, Jan 30
2005—A U.S. official reports that $9,000,000,000 is… well… sort of… let’s say “unaccounted for” in Iraq. 1981—An FB-111A “Aardvark” based at Pease AFB crashes near homes at Mariner’s Village, about 1.25 miles northwest of Market Square. Though one apartment building is destroyed, no one is injured. 1976—The Supreme Court decides that limiting campaign contributions would…
Thurs, Jan 29
2025—A straying Army helicopter collides with an airliner over the Potomac; 67 die. There are no survivors. 2002—George W.[MD] Bush talks “Axis of Evil;” Iran’s Qassem Suleimani nixes any rapprochement. Bush also asks the Senate Majority Leader to limit investigations into 9/11. 1991—“Our forces in the Gulf will not stay there one day longer than…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.