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Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)


Mon, Feb 26

2020—“Within a couple of days, [Covid will be] close to zero. That’s a pretty good job we’ve done.” – #45 2015—Sen. James Inhofe [R–Okla.] conclusively proves that global warming is a hoax—or that he’s an idiot—by brandishing a snowball in the Senate. 2003—Saddam Hussein tells interviewer Dan Rather he would like to debate George W.[MD]…

Sun, Feb 25

2020—“We will not see diseases like the coronavirus come here,” says Dolt #45’s Kayleigh McEnany. “Isn’t that refreshing when contrasting it with the awful [Obama] presidency…?” 2011—“[A]ny future Defense Secretary who advises the President to again send a big American land army into Asia or into the Middle East or Africa should have his head…

Sat, Feb 24

2001—“My plan reduces the national debt, and fast,” says G.W.[MD] Bush, “…economists worry that we’re going to run out of debt to retire.” 1989—Bad door latch design results in nine passengers being sucked out of a Boeing 747 southwest of Hawaii. 1988—SCOTUS says it’s OK to show Jerry Falwell drunk, losing his cherry to his…

Fri, Feb 23

2016—“I love the poorly educated,” says Dolt #45 to a mob in Nevada. 2016—GOP Senators deny Obama’s Supreme Court nominee a hearing. 2008—Because one maintenance crew fails to warn another that humid air confuses its sensors, a  $1.4 billion B-2 bomber crashes in Guam. 2004—Rod Paige, U.S. Sec. of Education, calls the nation’s largest teachers…

Thurs, Feb 22

2018—After jabbing him in the legs and groin for 2.5 hours, Alabama prison officials wheel cancer patient Doyle Hamm out of the death chamber alive. 2004—A Pentagon document leaks: it says climate change may spell doom. 1994—The FBI arrests a spy: 32-year CIA officer Aldrich Ames. 1974—Samuel Byck, planning to crash an airliner into the…

Wed, Feb 21

2012—Caught by the Piscataqua’s mighty current during construction of the New Memorial Bridge,the tugboat Miss Stacy nearly sinks. 1975—“Original Dick” Nixon’s top goons, John Mitchell [ex-AG!], Bob Haldeman, and John Ehrlichman, each get 2 ½ years in the slammer for conspiring—yes, we used that C-word again—to do more than will fit here. 1965—A week after…

Tues, Feb 20

1950—Joe McCarthy delivers a five-hour, paranoid rant in the U.S. Senate; a four-month inquisition ensues. 1945—At Iwo Jima, Jacklyn “Jack” Lucas, 17, dives onto one live grenade and pulls another under him. One goes off, one doesn’t. He sets off metal detectors until dying at 80. 1943—Hollywood embraces Office of War Information censorship. 1939—Fritz Kuhn,…

Mon, Feb 19

2009—Outraged that the government might assist mere homeowners, CNBC’s Rick Santelli has a fit on the floor of the Chicago Board of Trade. His convulsions spawn a Tea Party. 2000—“I understand small business growth,” says George W.[MD] Bush, “I was one.” A business? Or a growth? 1988—Prosecutors in Passaic County, N.J. drop the bogus case…

Sun, Feb 18

2012—Rep. Bob Morris [R-Ind.] says Girl Scouts use “feminists, lesbians, and Communists” as role models to promote a “homosexual lifestyle.” 2001—Robert Hanssen, a devout Catholic, exhibitionist, patron of strippers, and ex-FBI Special Agent,  is arrested for selling U.S. secrets to the U.S.S.R., then to the Russians. 1976—Jerry Ford accepts the CIA’s word: if it breaks…

Sat, Feb 17

2021—After poisoning U.S. discourse for 37 years, oxygen thief Rush Limbaugh shuts his lying trap. 2017—President Trump declares the press to be the enemy of the people. 2015—A study finds that previous tallies of lynchings in the U.S. had under-counted by at least 800. 2006—Harry Whittington apologizes to Dick “Dick” Cheney for having absorbed a…

Fri, Feb 16

1982—Nancy Reagan says, via an aide, she’ll no longer accept “loaned” threads from big name designers because she’s “really…tired of people misinterpreting what she was doing.” 1978—The first computer bulletin board goes online in Chicago. 1976—The Village Voice publishes excerpts from the House-suppressed Pike Report; among other sins, the CIA, the FBI, and the NSA…

Thurs, Feb 15

2001—Fox airs “Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon?” Great. 1989—After just a little over nine years in-country, quick-thinking Soviets pull out of Afghanistan. 1988—Environmentalists, supporting striking workers, storm Int’l. Paper’s Jay, Maine plant 10 days after scabs create a huge chlorine leak. 1978—On his first day at the Hillsboro, N.H. Messenger, our current…

Wed, Feb 14

2016—A cargo jet linked to the CIA lands in Harare, Zimbabwe carrying 67 tons of South African currency and the decomposing body of a Black man. 2016—With wind blowing 20 m.p.h., and the thermometer at -13°, the wind chill in Portsmouth falls to -38°. 2015—Another 18 inches of snow fall on Portsmouth, making nearly eight…

Tues, Feb 13

2013—Justice Antonin Scalia goes to his final judgment. 2008—The Senate tells the CIA to cool it with the waterboarding. 2007—An Al-Qaeda tape calls George W.[MD] Bush a drunk gambler. 2002—Donald Rumsfeld’s ex-assistant Ken Adelman predicts the Iraq War will be a “cakewalk.” 1991—A super-accurate, laser-guided U.S. bomb kills some 400 Iraqi civilians in a bunker…

Mon, Feb 12

2004—USA Today reports that former top Texas Air National Guard officers say files were “cleansed” to protect George W.[MD] Bush. 1999—N.H.Senators Gregg and Smith notwithstanding, the Senate finds President Clinton not guilty. 1983—SS Marine Electric, a rusted, beat-up hulk whose lying owners faked inspections, sinks off Virginia; three survive from a crew of 34. 1976—The…


Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.

The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.

Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.

The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.