Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Sat, Sept 23
1999—The $328 million Climate Orbiter crashes on Mars because Lockheed forgot to use the metric system. 1990—As Dan Quayle speaks at a $2,500-plate fundraiser in Portland, Ore., the Reverse Peristalsis Painters protest by vomiting red, white, and blue mashed potatoes. 1989—Army Rangers and a gang of drug dealers shoot it out for about half an…
Fri, Sept 22
2003—“A year from now,” Richard Perle says, “I’ll be very surprised if there is not some grand square in Baghdad that is named after President Bush.” 1987—Navy Reserve Capt. Timothy J. Dorsey shoots down a Navy plane during a training exercise. Its crew survives with injuries. Dorsey’s career is unscathed: daddy’s an Admiral. 1975—’Nam vet…
Thurs, Sept 21
2014—A spokesman for the Islamic State calls U.S. Sec. of State John Kerry an “uncircumcised old geezer.” 2001—CIA chief George Tenet tells the V.P. his claim that Iraq and al-Qaeda are linked is crap, but Dick “Dick” Cheney goes on repeating it. 1989—The Chase Manhattan Bank accepts for deposit a check sent as a prank…
Wed, Sept 20
2006—“The devil came here yesterday,” says Hugo Chavez at the UN, “and it smells of sulfur still today.” 2001—George W.[MD] Bush declares a War on a noun, viz., Terror, before a joint session of Congress, which somehow takes him seriously. 1968—A U.S. military spokesman in Saigon says Agent Orange has no harmful effects on human…
Tues, Sept 19
2014—Iraq War veteran Omar J. Gonzalez jumps the White House fence and runs into the East Room. 2001—George W.[MD] Bush tells CIA chief George Tenet to look for links between S. Hussein and al-Qaeda. Lacking credible evidence, he suggests Dick “Dick” Cheney as a source. 2001—The U.S. goes to war against Afghanistan—what could go wrong?…
Mon, Sept 18
2001—Five journalists receive letters laced with anthrax. Five people die, the perps remain unknown. 2001—Complying with a White House request, EPA head Christine Todd Whitman says it’s safe to breathe the air at “Ground Zero.” It isn’t. 1987—The N.Y. Times reports the FBI’s been spying on public library patrons. 1980—Cuban Arnaldo Tamayo Méndez becomes the…
Sun, Sept 17
2011—Wall Street gets Occupied. 2002—President George W.[MD] Bush says, “…fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me…you can’t get fooled again.” 2001—President George W.[MD] Bush gives the CIA secret authority to do…secret stuff. It’s classified. 1980—It’s “Operation Reptile” in Paraguay—a Sandinista team whacks Anastasio Somoza with an RPG. 1967—The Mount Washington Cog Railway train…
Sat, Sept 16
2016—D. Trump gets a free 1.5 hour infomercial from all the networks. 2009—Nashua-born news anchor Ernie Anastos tells a weatherman, on air, “Keep fucking that chicken.” 2001—Dick “Dick” Cheney vows to work on “the dark side”—his only side. 1992—Rudy Giuliani uses a bullhorn to lead 10,000 cops in a riot protesting a civilian police review…
Fri, Sept 15
2008—Lehman Bros. drops 90 percent; the Dow is down 500 points. 2007—Laura Bush condemns Myanmar’s crackdown on pro-democracy demonstrators. Hours later thousands march in D.C. against the Iraq War; 190 are arrested, many are Iraq vets. 2004—D.C. cops on a 911 call find Cynthia Ore, 28, in the bathroom of Rep. Don Sherwood (R-Pa.), 63….
Thurs, Sept 14
2019—Thieves steal a solid gold toilet from Winston Churchill’s birthplace. 2008—At his gym, Lehman Brothers CEO Richard Fuld gets punched in the face by a complete stranger. 2005—At the UN, during the World Summit, the Leader of the Free World passes a note to his Secretary of State saying, “I think I may need a…
Wed, Sept 13
2010—After calling for civility in the Primary, ex-Gov. John H. Sununu tells the N.Y. Times, “I came in [as N.H. GOP Chair] to clean the vermin [Democrats] out, then I’ll leave.” 2005—Two weeks after the catastrophe, George W.[MD] Bush admits the Federal response to Hurricane Katrina was less than ideal. 2001—Reverend Jerry Falwell says “The…
Tues, Sept 12
2008—Hank Paulson, ex-Goldman Sachs, tells Merrill Lynch and Lehman Brothers “No Fed $ for you.” 2001—George W.[MD] Bush tells Richard Clarke, his top counter-terror guy, “go back over everything, everything [to] see if Saddam did this.” Told it was al Qaeda, he says, “I know, I know but…see if Saddam was involved. … I want…
Mon, Sept 11
2016—The GOP nominee for President tweets “best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, September 11th.” 2012—Benghazi!!! 2006—At Ground Zero, for a photo op, President Bush and the First Lady stand on an American flag carpet. 2001—Four American airliners are hijacked by Saudis and crashed; thousands die. George W.[MD] Bush…
Sun, Sept 10
2008—Lehman Brothers execs say the firm has all the capital it needs, five days before it declares bankruptcy. 2001—Donald Rumsfeld admits the Defense Department can’t account for about $2.3 trillion dollars. One day later, no one remembers—or cares. 1980—“Approximately eighty percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation,” says GOP candidate Ronald…
Sat, Sept 9
2013—Five days of chaos begin in Fort Lee, N.J., due to a suspicious, unannounced bridge closure. 2009—As President Obama addresses Congress, Rep. Joe Wilson (R-S.C.) yells at him, “You lie.” 2008—Lehman Bros., the nation’s fourth largest investment bank, loses 45 percent of its value. 2005—“You know,” says Glenn Beck, “it took me about a year…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.