Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Fri, Nov 14
2002—Donald Rumsfeld predicts the Iraq War will last “five days or five weeks or five months…[no] longer….” 1968—In Quang Tri, Marine PFC Frank Baldino, 19, is killed by a tiger. 1965—The First Cav, choppering into the Ia Drang Valley, is surprised to discover six battalions of NVA. 1943—USS W.D. Porter accidentally launches a torpedo—in the…
Thurs, Nov 13
2003—Because he would not remove his Ten Commandments monument from the courthouse, Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore is himself removed. 1982—The Vietnam Veterans Memorial is dedicated in Washington, D.C. Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, and Robert McNamara are no-shows. 1974—Karen Silkwood, a disgruntled Kerr-McGee worker and whistleblower, turns up conveniently dead. 1970—Up to half a million…
Wed, Nov 12
2001—Flight 587 falls apart and crashes off Queens, N.Y., killing 261. 1999—Congress deregulates Wall Street, to allow for “innovation.” 1970—A half-ton of dynamite set off by Oregon highway workers sends parts of an eight-ton sperm whale 100 feet in the air. The tail crushes Walter Umanhofer’s new Olds, bought from a lot advertising “a whale…
Tues, Nov 11
2000—Republicans begin a campaign of election lawfare in Florida. 1956—The last pockets of resistance are suppressed in Hungary. 1940—British biplanes sink half the Italian Navy, at anchor in Taranto. 1933—“The Great Black Blizzard,” first great dust storm, hits the Plains. 1919—American Legionaires attack an I.W.W. union hall in Centralia, Wash.; four are killed by armed…
Mon, Nov 10
2004—George W.[MD] Bush nominates a new AG. Alberto Gonzales ends up making John Ashcroft look just a tad less terrible by comparison. 1982—The Vietnam Veterans Memorial, a gift to the nation from those it had shunned, opens in Washington, D.C. 1975—The ore carrier Edmund Fitzgerald sinks on Lake Superior, taking with her a crew of…
Sun, Nov 9
2020—“What is the downside for humoring him…?” a “senior Republican official” asks the Washington Post. “It’s not like he’s plotting how to prevent Joe Biden from taking power.” 1998—Brokers who rigged the game at NASDAQ are compelled to pay their bilked customers $1 billion. 1989—TheBerlin Wall suddenly becomes unexpectedly porous. 1979—Zbigniew Brzezinski gets a call:…
Sat, Nov 8
2016—Donald J. Trump wins the Presidency. Everybody else is a loser. 2013—The Navy lifts Ted “Twig” Branch’s clearance, so he can’t read secrets anymore, but leaves him in his job as head of Naval Intelligence. 2010—On TV, George W.[MD] Bush says his mom once asked him for a ride to the hospital, showing him a…
Fri, Nov 7
2020—The Wall Street Journal runs an op-ed by Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney under the headline, “If he loses, Trump will concede gracefully.” 2020—Dolt 45’s cracked legal team holds a press conference at the Four Seasons…Total Landscaping garage. 2007—Private Jessica Lynch accuses the Pentagon of exploiting her capture for propaganda purposes. 2000—Mel Carnahan defeats incumbent…
Thurs, Nov 6
2024—Trump cultists gloat that Project 2025—of which he’s been claiming ignorance—“is the agenda. Lol.” 2018—Nevada’s 36th district elects brothel-owner Dennis Hoff to the State Assembly by a huge margin. He’s been dead for three weeks. 2016—FBI Director James Comey says never mind about those emails. 2012—Trump tweets, “The electoral college is a disaster for a…
Wed, Nov 5
2024—Democrats somehow manage to lose the White House to a felonious nutjob who once tried to steal it. 1986—In a hijacked helicopter, ’Nam vet Ron McIntosh springs his girl from the prison he recently escaped. 1974—In New Hampshire, Louis C. Wyman gets 355 more votes than John Durkin. It ain’t over yet, though; 317 days…
Tues, Nov 4
2016—“Calm down,” reads the headline over a Washington Post column, “We’ll be fine no matter who wins.” 2008—Barack Obama wins, sparing the nation from Sarah Palin. 1988—“John Nada,” [Roddy Piper], comes to chew bubblegum and kick ass; and he’s all out of bubblegum. 1979—Militant Shi’ite Muslims take 66 Americans hostage in Teheran, dooming the Carter…
Mon, Nov 3
2020—The U.S. votes to evict a deadbeat from the White House. 1986—A Lebanese newspaper reveals that the U.S. has been selling arms to the Ayatollah’s regime in Iran. 1979—Communists are fired on by Klansmen and Nazis in Greensboro, N.C. Five die and 11 are wounded, but three trials yield no convictions. 1973—A DC-10’s #3 engine…
Sun, Nov 2
2005—The Washington Post reveals that the CIA is “protecting democracy” by running a secret gulag. 2004—Warren Co., Ohio officials say a “terrorist threat” is why they’re counting votes behind locked doors. 2002—“We know he [Saddam Hussein] has chemical weapons,” says George W.[MD] Bush. [He doesn’t.] 2001—“Give war a chance,” writes the N.Y. Times’s Thomas L….
Sat, Nov 1
2003—N.H. Gov. Craig Benson [R.] welcomes the Free State Project. 2001—George W.[MD] Bush signs an Executive Order conveniently hiding his father’s misdeeds as Veep. 1981—TV is just “a toaster with pictures,” says FCC boss Mark Fowler. 1972—The Piscataqua Bridge opens. 1968—At My Tho, two limpet mines kill 26 aboard the USS Westchester County—the deadliest single…
Fri, Oct 31
2016—Chris Sununu claims Democrats bus voters in from Mass, a lie quickly cribbed by Donald Trump. 1977—Carter’s new CIA boss, Stansfield Turner, fires 200 spooks. They all go meekly, with nary a thought of covert retaliation against Democrats. 1973—Ex-Veep Spiro Agnew pays a $10,000 fine for not paying taxes on the bribes he took while…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.