It’s… Alive?

Finally, the 2024 First in the Nation™ Presidential Primary Election® is showing signs of… life?

The suspense is over; the date has been set: New Hampshire’s favorite pastime, its quadrennial civic extravaganza, will come to a dramatic conclusion on Tuesday, January 23rd.

If it’s alive, though, what’s up with those neck bolts? In all seriousness, we should probably add an asterisk to the typographical fruit salad which traditionally encumbers our textual references to the presidential primary.

According to the Democratic National Committee, New Hampshire will not be holding a primary. Oh, we can do whatever we like of course, this being a free country. The DNC says our primary won’t count, though, because Secretary of State David Scanlan set the date too early.

President Biden agrees with the DNC, naturally. It was his idea to let South Carolina hold the first primary. His, and Rep. James Clyburn’s [D-S.C.]. Clyburn and his Palmetto State Democrats salvaged Biden’s campaign after Bernie Sanders gave him a tremendous shellacking here in 2020. A politician afraid to reward his friends and punish his… non-supporters is in the wrong racket.

Scanlan had no choice but to act as he did. State law requires that our primary be held at least seven days before any other similar election. If he had failed, not only would he be derelict in his duty, he’d have to answer to the wrath of James R. Splaine, the Portsmouth legislator who wrote the law.

So, President Joseph Robinette Biden’s name will not be printed on the ballot for this rogue primary which has been disavowed by the party’s national bigwigs. Top state Democrats, though, have launched a write-in campaign, for fear that one of the other 21 Democrats whose names do appear might out-poll the incumbent.

It’s all a bit awkward, but hey—life’s messy. Better to accept a little dissonance on the national/state axis than risk a repeat of 1968. Gene McCarthy finished seven points behind in our primary that year, but that was close enough to knock LBJ out of the race. His Veep, Hubert Humphrey, failed to prosper, even with George Wallace drawing 46 deep south electoral votes away from Richard Nixon. We shall refrain from cataloging the myriad horrors which ensued.

As the matter stands, New Hampshire delegates to the national convention appear to have about a 50/50 chance of casting a ballot. A situation this nebulous screams for one particular dark horse candidate—namely, Schrödinger’s cat.

Not that there is any dearth of alternatives. Our old pal Vermin Supreme is running, that goes without saying. He’s not likely to win, nor should he, but his position as the leading national figure on dental hygiene ought to earn him a spot at HHS. Paperboy Love Prince would deserve consideration for his first name alone, but the former carrier for the Wall Street Journal is at least four years shy of the age minimum. Speaking of first names, President R. Boddie, of Locust Grove, Ga. has a natural edge, but he’s squandering that advantage with a lack of digital outreach.

Kidding aside, Dean Phillips and Marianne Williamson are the real threats to Biden in the primary. And not just Biden. Given the state of things at the moment, by doing well, they could doom life on Earth.

Either of these individuals, neither of whom stands a snowball’s chance of winning the White House, could weaken Biden with a strong showing. Then throw in Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. as a third party candidate. Or Joe Bleeping Manchin.

For that matter, consider Joe Biden. Every time Benjamin Netanyahu bombs a hospital in Gaza, his support among young voters bleeds away.

A general election matchup between a lying, felonious sex pest and even a dull competent president ought to be a no brainer. Unfortunately, these days no brainers turn out to vote in droves.

Over on the other side of the Great Divide… well, where to even begin? The GOP’s primary makes a goat rodeo look like Swan Lake at the Lincoln Center. More specifically, at the former New York State Theater at Lincoln Center.

That property, owned by the City of New York since 1965, was re-branded in 2008. It is now, and will be until 2058, presuming it has not been reduced to rubble by some climate-induced catastrophe, known as the David H. Koch Theater. Koch purchased this supposed honor with a pledge to give the City $100 million over a ten-year period.

Treating that figure as a lump sum, it amounted to one-fifth of one percent of the fossil fuel mogul’s net worth when he died in 2019.

For all his money, David Koch is still dead. His equally-wealthy brother Charles is still kicking, though, and still purchasing things which are far beyond the wildest imagination of mere mortals: New Hampshire, South Carolina… .

Not directly, of course. That would be vulgar. You might as well ask him to go door-to-door, badgering voters at home.

That’s why the Koch bros created Americans for Prosperity [AfP]. This transparently fake “grassroots” outfit enlists and trains suitably-oriented volunteers to do the door-knocking. Such organization requires a well-paid national cadre, which Koch and a myriad of dark-money donors are happy to support.

As we have seen, when David Koch threw $100 million at the City of New York, it had about the same effect on his net worth as a night at the movies does for an average working family.

In that case, Ol’ Dave got ten years to sit in whatever seat he pleased, glorying in his own spectacular munificence.

Now, surviving brother Charles is putting his AfP meat-bots to work for Nikki Haley. In this case, though, it’s not a gift, it’s an investment. Compliant politicians provide a better return than fossil fuels, precious metals, or high-end art.

Haley recently pledged to do away with the Affordable Care Act. It’ll be tough on the meat-bots, but Chuckie don’t care.

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