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Welcome to the “Find Out” Phase

It would have been a perfectly suitable topic for debate in collegiate political science departments: should the planet’s most powerful nation elevate a felon whose mental, moral, and psychological fitness have long been questioned into its most powerful office?

This is the good old U.S.A., though. Rather than pose this blatantly silly question as a theoretical exercise, we went by a principle familiar to many men tackling an unfamiliar project, the editor himself not excluded: “Let’s do something, even if it’s wrong.”

There is another way to describe what we have just done, more vulgar but succinct: FAFO, i.e., “F___ Around and Find Out.”

Having FA’d, we’re about to FO.

As this is being written, just 48 hours into the Sequel Administration, we have already found out plenty. If it were up to us, we’d call it enough and call off the exercise—a statement which, for all we know, may be all it takes for this newspaper to be busted for sedition.

From 2017 to 2021, during the Former Guy’s first go-’round, we were never particularly concerned about being thrown in the jug for doing our job. Well, the bloom is now off our rosy optimism. We will soon be serving our readers dependent upon the whims of Attorney General Matt Gaetz.

Hah-hah, just kidding. Of course Matt Gaetz won’t be Attorney General. His background is so skeevy that even Republicans refuse to associate with him. His nomination was so ludicrous it might have been an inside joke. More likely he was named to serve the role of sacrificial goat. After him, even Pam Bondi looks… well, less egregious.

Bondi may actually get the power to send the Justice Department’s jack-booted thugs to kick in our newsroom door. If told to do so, we believe she would. Her ethical compass may wobble, but her loyalty is rock solid.

In 2013, when Bondi was Florida’s Attorney General, the Orlando Sentinel reported that her office was reviewing allegations of fraud in a class-action lawsuit against Trump University. Four days later, in response to a solicitation from Bondi, her re-election PAC received an illegal $25,000 contribution from the Donald J. Trump Foundation. Bondi soon decided not to join the lawsuit.*

Speaking of jackboots, let us set aside the minor matter of the future of the Nation’s Oldest Newspaper,™ and turn our attention to the present, however distasteful that might be.

What had once been unthinkable came to pass on Monday. Flags which had been lowered to half-staff, to honor the man who was probably the best former-president we’ll ever have, were run up all the way. At high noon, with his right hand raised and his left hand by his side—as if it might burn if he laid it on the Bible—our new president repeated the oath he violated last time. By his side was his third wife, her immigration status still questionable, wearing a costume fit for a female Marvel movie villain, or perhaps a Star Wars crossover featuring a showdown with Darth Vader.

We would be remiss if we failed to note here that this took place on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

Number Forty-Seven—the name appears too often everywhere, we’ll avoid it here when we can—had talked during the campaign about pardons galore. Even Vice President Vance, though, said last week, “If you committed violence on that day, obviously you shouldn’t be pardoned.” On Day One, though, the big guy let 1,500 January 6th insurrectionistas out of prison.

Back in the olden days, it took years to develop the capability to send armed mobs swarming into the streets. Now it can be done with a stroke of the Sharpie. It was a stunning act of lawlessness, but, let us recall, the felon who committed it has been granted an unprecedented Never Go To Jail Card by the Supreme Cabal, one-third of which he appointed.

So far this all looks pretty grim. Yet here we are, wisecracking as usual. Are we delusional, too? How the hell would we know? The future hasn’t happened yet. What hope we have rests on the insatiable greed of the parties involved.

In a move less-expected than the Spanish Inquisition, the soon-to-be Commander-in-Chief launched a cryptocurrency called $TRUMP on Friday. Days later the First Lady launched $MELANIA. Both should prove convenient for anyone wishing to curry favor with the Leader of the Free (for a fee) World.

The rubes went bonkers buying in; the so-called value soared. These things make money for the few by screwing over the many. We’re hoping a hard punch to the wallet will finally wise a few of them up.

* Trump U.’s eponymous figurehead vowed to never settle the case, but take it to court and win. History shows that settle he did, for $25,000,000. Perhaps that doesn’t count as settling, though, since Trump himself didn’t pay. He pawned that debt off onto a Las Vegas hotel partner. That partner maintains that the payment was actually for something else, but enough of that rabbit hole. Trump University was forced to close, as was the Trump Foundation. In one swell foop went the Poison Ivy League’s most distinguished institute of higher scamming, as well as its eponymous founder’s legal right to run a non-profit.

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