In compliance with a bold and decisive order from Donald J. Trump, the 45th and 47th President of the United States of America, on Tuesday the National Archives made the greatest-ever release of formerly-classified documents regarding the horrible, really bad murder of one of his many, many less-great predecessors, specifically, John F. Kennedy.
Obviously, like so many bold moves from this unprecedented President, this truly terrific release had an immediate, and really, really strong impact—as one might expect from a Chief Executive who single-handedly forged a whole New Frontier in declassification, despite constant opposition by a bunch of rotten, corrupt, biased bureaucrats and so-called judges.
In keeping with our reputation for hard-hitting, let the chips fall where they may journalism, while still hoping to somehow retain our ability to perform our unique brand of journalism during a time when far better-funded rags than ours are scurrying for cover like frightened vermin, we called upon, for the first time, the very latest in technological advances to ask the most important and most pertinent question possible.
The question we posed to iAsk.ai was this:
“Do the JFK documents released by the National Archives on Tuesday include any evidence suggesting that Donald J. Trump was involved in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy?”
Without wishing to blow our own horn—because few things are so vulgar and distasteful as to constantly be seen bragging and boasting and generally claiming to be somehow superior, particularly when all the available evidence seems to suggest otherwise—we’ll point out here that, by asking this question, we have demonstrated, in our own small way, the sort of courage that, if we had better connections, might result in an award. The Presidential Medal of Freedom, for example, just to throw out one possibility.
After all—what if iAsk.ai sifted through those 63,000 pages and replied, “Ooh, you’re in trouble now. It looks like…,” followed by a bunch of links to incriminating documents? If that were the case we could no doubt look forward to a black bag over the head and a rough flight to Cuba.
Fortunately, we were spared. iAsk.ai replied:
“After reviewing the content and context of the recently released JFK documents from the National Archives, it can be concluded that there is no evidence suggesting that Donald J. Trump was involved in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. …
Great, huh? We don’t know about you, dear reader, but we’re relieved… wait a second.
“Probability that this answer is correct: 95 percent.”
Uh-oh. Joke’s on us. So much for our brilliant plan of using this document release—the latest distraction from the ongoing assault on the U.S. Constitution—to buy a little leniency from the Justice Department. According to the latest whizbang technology, there’s a five percent chance that 17-year old Donald J. Trump went AWOL from the New York Military Academy and whacked JFK. Gitmo, here we come.
May as well be hanged for a sheep as for a goat, so let’s dig a little deeper into this document release.
Last month the man some call the Mango Mussolini purged Biden appointees from the Kennedy Center’s Board of Trustees. The new Board then annointed him Chairman, giving him the run of the joint.
Monday he put it to use, for a grandiose photo op worthy of Il Duce: The Donald, surrounded by comforting Republican red, standing in the Presidential Box, high above the camera, in an auditorium occupied only by his hand-picked Trustees, so no booing… . A moment of True Greatness, no doubt.
Video shows the President inaudibly conferring with aides shortly thereafter. Before he left the venue, looking somber, he made his surprise announcement.
The JFK document plan had long been in the works. Citing an all-night scramble by Justice Department lawyers to prepare the documents for actual release, James Li, who reports for Breaking Point, suggests the last-minute panic was prompted by Israel’s pending attack on Gaza.
“Here, you enemies of the people—focus on this while we cut orders to send three aircraft carriers to the Middle East.”
It’s all a bit worrisome—or would be, were we not being Presidented by a Stable Genius.™ If only… .
In other news, Trump, incensed by a judge meddliing with his mass deportations, disobeyed the judge’s order and posted: “This Radical Left Lunatic of a Judge [Ninety-two erratically CaPitaliZed words deleted for brevity. – The Ed.] should be IMPEACHED!!!”
From his bunker, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, “impeachment is not an appropriate response to disagreement concerning a judicial decision… .”
Trump’s inner four-year old, lightly dusted with cookie crumbs, shrugged, “[Roberts] didn’t mention my name.”