It’s true. It’s all true. A police state is being built before our eyes. Peaceful people are being shot dead on the streets. The highest ranking* guy in the Executive Branch has sent a squad of his own private cops, formerly known as the FBI, to Fulton County, Georgia, to confiscate 700 boxes of damning evidence†—ballots, voter rolls, and tabulator tapes. The pattern is clear: seize power and end our democratic experiment—perversely, on the 250th Anniversary of its birth.
Yet, we are buoyantly optimistic. What could explain such a paradoxical state of mind? Perhaps the item in question has finally been lost. Hear us out, though: while many things are terrible, and the big picture is getting uglier by the day, some things—mighty important things—are at least looking clearer.
Will good prevail over evil? Who knows. At this point, that would be an interesting and unexpected plot twist. We’re pretty sure, though, that giving up won’t help the situation.
It is essential, these days, to keep in mind that we all now live in a world created by the Man of Many Shirts, Stephen K. Bannon. Call it The Flooded Zone, where hitherto unbelievable events are happening constantly, so that everything ends up being crammed down Orwell’s Memory Hole.
Let’s defy Bannon and follow a few persistent bread crumbs.
During a 2020 Presidential Debate, the Republican candidate, among other odd utterances, was heard to say, “Proud Boys, stand back and stand by.” A few months later, the Proud Boys reported for duty—on January 6th. They, along with thousands of other like-minded supporters of the guy who lost the election, tried to overthrow the government.
Thanks to the Olympian ineptitude of Democratic lawmakers and bureaucrats—Merrick Garland taking home the gold in this round—the ringleader of this failed coup escaped prosecution, was renominated by his party, and, through a tragic series of unfortunate events, got a second chance to stink up the joint.
Nowadays, one doesn’t hear so much about masked, armed goons appearing in groups to intimidate people under the Proud Boys banner. Instead, the masked, armed goons appearing in groups to intimidate people occasionally shoot them now, wearing vests labeled ICE. The Department of Homeland Security [DHS] has bulked up considerably in just four months, luring 12,000 new recruits by lowering standards, reducing vetting, cutting training by more than half, and giving out $50,000 bonuses.
Of course, one must be careful when using such a rapid intake process. Perhaps that’s why DHS Secretary Kristi Noem recently appeared on television behind a podium bearing the Nazi-adjacent slogan, “One of Ours, All of Yours”—to discourage any “weak sisters” who may not have the streugut it takes to keep der Heimat sicher. No one doubts, of course, that Noem is the perfect candidate to oversee such a task—or do anything else. Who else among us could actually shoot their own 14-month old puppy?
On the same day Noem’s ICE agents shot and killed VA nurse Alex Pretti, Pam Bondi, Attorney General—and, apparently, successor to Roy Cohn as Head Fixer for The Big Guy—wrote a letter to Minnesota Governor Tim Walz. In yet another break with precedent, this letter was not pasted up using letters and words cut from newspaper headlines. It did lay out the terms and conditions which must be met before Meal Team Six would be withdrawn from his state. The message was clear: hand over Minnesota’s voter rolls and maybe we’ll reel in the brownshirts.
Given the way things have gone lately, and the direction in which they appear to be headed, there’s only one prudent course left for a civic-minded person. That’s to assume that boss man’s plan is to ignore the law, deploy armed goons in provocative ways, and beat, arrest, and kill citizens who dare to protest. From now until November, it’ll just be rinse and repeat, in the hope that this will somehow stave off disaster in the Congressional election. As Noem’s Gravy Seals are drawing blood in the streets, backroom lawyers will be stirring up a noxious mix of legalistic lies aimed at proving the 2020 election was rigged.
Every ordinary mortal has his or her own wants and desires. They can only stand in awe, though, of this rabid insatiability. Where could it come from? Greed and fear, we imagine. Forty-Seven—a number that will live in infamy—has pocketed literally billions of dollars since January. And he has to know that if the rule of law ever wakes from its coma, he’ll be living in public housing—albeit, less luxurious—for the rest of his days.
Thanks to Hollywood, one would expect the mastermind behind such a grandiose scheme to be suave, cultured, urbane—and slowly stroking the head of a fluffy white cat.
In the case of Grand Theft Nation, we get none of the above. Any self-respecting cat would run howling from the room.
* According to reports from multiple sources, he really is awfully rank. Never having been within sniffing distance, we cannot definitively confirm this.
† How is this evidence damning? It proves the absence of a crime, thereby making it necessary to fabricate one.