This has been, we regret to report, the most maddening decade in American history. Trust us, we have seen it all.
Typically our hard times have given us something: independence, the end of chattel slavery, an improved standard of living, and so forth.
All we have gotten over the past ten years, though, has been the constant degradation of… just about everything.
The only exceptions seem to have been the laws of physics, but you can bet your bippy that otherwise unemployable asshats at some lavishly-funded think tank are conjuring up a scheme for doubling the speed of light and cutting gravity in half.
This presents us with a conundrum for which the trade journal Editor & Publisher offers no solution. Every fiber in our being strives to present the truest and most accurate account possible of current events. Under present circumstances, the better we do our job, the more deeply we drive our readers into a state of catatonic despair—so, hardly a good business model.
But enough of our whining. This Empire of Gilded Bullshit must inevitably someday crumble. If the luck that has sustained us this long continues, we may even get to report on it.
In fact, there are plenty of reasons to think that various components of what had seemed like a solid and cohesive MAGAlith are far less connected than they used to be. This should come as no surprise since individually they are so repulsive. Over time those parts are destined to lose their cohesion and fall into a fetid heap—hence the Heritage Foundation’s frantic work on anti-gravity.
Early last month the Center for Strategic Politics asked 683 Democratic voters to describe how they’d feel if Trump were removed from office via five different routes.
Unsurprisingly, 86 percent said they’d have a positive view of impeachment and conviction in the Senate. Sure, that’ll happen—then the House’s Sergeant at Arms will hoist Trump backwards onto a unicorn, slap its ass, and banish him forever from Washington, D.C. And what’s up with those 14 percent? Smelling salts, please!
Nearly as many, 84 percent, would be happy to see the Blowhard-in-Chief get 86’d by his own cabinet under the 25th Amendment. This method would require either a cure for terminal sycophancy or a whole herd of unicorns plus an army of flying monkeys.
Approval declines significantly as the possible exits get grimmer. Still, more than half the respondents—56 percent, to be exact—said that if they were to learn that Trump had woken up dead, it would enhance their enjoyment of breakfast.
The responses to these three scenarios perhaps were predictable. As to the other two, even we were shocked.
Fifty-nine percent of the people polled said they’d have a positive view of a military coup.* Here we see the danger inherent in a system that relies on a hermetic warrior caste for national defense. If more of those Democrats had ever worn the uniform of our armed forces, that number would be proportionally lower.
Finally we come, most literally, to the coup de grâce: an unsettlingly large minority—31 percent—said they’d have a positive view if someone were to Charlie Kirk Trump during one of his political rallies. [Note: For the record, not only would this be morally reprehensible, it would be strategically idiotic, as well. – The Ed.]
How did our political discourse come to this? The answer might be found in Tuesday’s Senate Judiciary Committee hearing.
Hold on… Did we just call that event a hearing? Our bad. The room itself was a giveaway. That vast marble wall, that dais, that row of pompous asses… we know a show trial when we see one.
We also know, unfortunately, what an attempted coup looks like. We saw one less than six years ago. Not that we’re special. Hundreds of millions of people saw it, and not all of them were so foolish as to mistake a violent insurrection for a “peaceful protest” taking place during a “normal tourist visit” which just happened to include some “legitimate political discourse.”
After endless dithering by a string of lily-livered Democrats, Jack Smith was eventually given the go-ahead to prepare a legal case against the perpetrator of the coup; another case was thrown in for pilfering Top Secret government documents.
Money, it seems, has a gravitational pull. Over half a century it has influenced both the decisions of the Supreme Court and the values of the Democratic Party. The crossing of those to streams turned Jack Smith—the man who could have, and should have been allowed to, put Donald Trump in jail, was instead made the designated victim of Tuesday’s show trial.
After Trump was elected, Smith moved to dismiss both cases. Amid general apoplexy on the left, former U.S. Attorney Barbara McQuade pointed out that “it’s the only move he had. By filing preemptively, he keeps the cases alive for 2029.”
* The exact scenario: “To ‘safeguard the Constitution,’ a group of U.S. military leaders have removed President Donald Trump from power and assumed control of the United States.”