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An Unholy Fortnight

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Birds are singing, buds are swelling, days are getting longer. Spring is here, and it is welcome—even to godless heathens who see this change as just another predictable result of the laws of celestial mechanics. For Christians, of course, this is Easter time, when the ineffable mysteries of their faith are in full bloom. We can only presume, then, that it must have been a shock for that subset of Christians who have chosen to yoke their religious beliefs to their political proclivities when the President observed Easter by posting on Truth (sic) Social, “Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living …

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Volume 270, No. 16

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Let the record show that what passes for civilization has reached the state at which it’s possible to say without exaggeration that any fortnight without Armageddon is a good one. In celebration of not yet having been destroyed by an autocrat with both frontotemporal dementia and nuclear weapons, we have published another newspaper. To read our latest issue, just give this link a click.

Fri, April 17

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2013—A fertilizer plant located next to a middle school in West, Texas, uninspected since 1985, explodes. Fifteen are killed, mostly volunteer firemen, 250 others are injured. 1986—Peace is declared between the Netherlands and the Isles of Scilly, ending a bloodless 335-year war. 1986—Channeling his inner Nixon, Reagan pulls a limited hangout: yes, our Contra allies smuggled coke. 1970—Apollo 13 makes it home. 1967—“[T]he defeat of the Communist forces in South Vietnam is inevitable,” says ex-Veep Richard Nixon. “The only question is, how soon?” 1966—Timothy Leary is busted for pot possession by G. Gordon Liddy. 1965—In New York City, 25,000 march against the Vietnam War. 1961—The …

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Thurs, April 16

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2008—“Thank you, your holiness,” George W.[MD] Bush says to Pope Benedict, “Awesome speech.” 1992—Afghanistan’s commie President Najibullah resigns, making way for a more enlightened government. 1992—The House Ethics Committee—no laughing, please—releases the names of 303 check-kiting Reps. 1969—Reverend Billy Graham advises Nixon: bomb North Vietnam’s dikes; estimated casualties: 1 million. 1963—Martin Luther King, Jr., writes “Letter From Birmingham Jail,” defending civil disobedience. 1954—“There is no reason why French forces should not remain in Indo-China and win,” says Richard Nixon, three weeks before the Viet Minh overrun Dien Bien Phu. 1953—Ike says militarism hangs humanity “from a cross of iron.” 1951—Hiroshima survivor Shigeki Tanaka wins the …

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Wed, April 15

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2024—D.J. Trump becomes the first U.S. president charged with 34 felonies to fall asleep during his own trial. 2015—Doug Hughes, a USPS mailman, lands a gyrocopter on the Capitol lawn to deliver 535 letters to Congress: “Overturn Citizens United.” 2015—Texan and safari guide Ian Gibson is crushed to death in Zimbabwe by the elephant he was stalking. 1994—Dick “Dick” Cheney ’splains on C-SPAN why G.H.[H.]W. Bush didn’t topple Saddam: that would have created a “quagmire” in Iraq. 1974—Press lord William Randolph Hearst’s gun-totin’ granddaughter Patty helps the Symbionese Liberation Army rob a San Francisco bank. 1970—Rep. Gerald Ford: “Impeach Justice William O. Douglas.” 1961—The CIA …

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Tues, April 14

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2006—Six  retired generals sign an Op-Ed calling on Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to resign. 2004—Attorney General John Ashcroft blames Bill Clinton for terrorist attacks that took place seven months after Clinton left office. 1999—Dan Quayle throws his cute little propeller beanie into the ring. 1994—Over Iraq, U.S. fighter jets shoot down two U.S. helicopters. 1988—An Iranian mine nearly sinks the missile frigate USS Roberts. 1975—Idaho’s Bunker Hill Mining Co. says all female workers at its smelter must get sterilized to keep their jobs. 1945—A new high-tech head floods U-1206 on its 1st patrol. Commander K.A. Schlitt scuttles the boat; four crewmen die, the rest …

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