The Greatest Show on Earth

by W.D. Ehrhart

Ever since November 6^th, I’ve been doing my best to avoid reading, seeing, or hearing anything about the election. Pundits and prognosticators proclaiming who’s at fault for the utter failure of the Democratic Party, losers pointing fingers and hurling accusations at each other, Republicans grinning and gloating and enjoying the angst and agony of the millions of Americans who are not part of the even more millions of MAGAMobsters.

But it’s hard to play ostrich forever. Last week, a friend sent me a recent poem titled “In Defense of Dogs,” by which I learned that Kristi Noem will be our next Secretary of Homeland Security. (She did shoot her dog, but at least she didn’t eat it.) Then before I could get it off my computer screen, I saw a headline that Marco Rubio—who Trump has called a “lightweight. [He’s] a choker, and once a choker, always a choker! Mr. Meltdown”—will be the next Secretary of State.

Another friend wrote to ask me what I thought of Matt Gaetz as the next Attorney General, which is the first I’d heard of it, though I did and do have to admire—however grudgingly—the sheer irony of it. [Stop the presses! Get me rewrite! Even Gaetz seems to have realized how ridiculous his nomination was, and has withdrawn his name from consideration, though the woman Trumpty Dumpty has nominated in his place is an election denier who called Robert Mueller’s investigation “worse than Watergate.”]

Then today, my Vietnam War veteran pal Harry sent me notice of former military chaplain Doug Collins’s pending appointment as Secretary of Veterans Affairs, adding a personal observation that “in my limited experience, chaplains are among the worst human beings in the military. Right up there with the psychotics.” This may be a bit harsh, but it is true that one of their primary jobs is to tell young soldiers that it’s okay to kill people so long as your government says it is.

And then some guy I never heard of got the nod to be Secretary of Defense. It turns out he’s a Fox News Talking Head who thinks today’s military is run by pansies and fairies, and needs to be re-masculinized with massive doses of actual and virtual testosterone.

So I finally gave up on my attempts to steer clear of reality, and decided to “man up” to the truth and take a look at what’s doing. And not to my surprise, it really is as bad as I feared it would be.

We’re going to have Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.—the guy with the brain worm who beheaded a whale with a chainsaw and dumped a bear cub carcass in Central Park—in charge of Health and Human Services.

Pam Bondi’s deputy in the Justice Department will be Todd Blanche, who was the Trumpster’s defense lawyer in the Stormy Daniels “hush money” trial. (Let us hope he’ll be no more successful prosecuting the various Bidens on the Donald’s Hit List.)

For National Security Advisor we’ll get Michael Waltz, about whom I can only say, “Well, at least he’s not General Michael Flynn.” For Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard, who has zero experience in the field, but does seem to be very fond of dictators. The Wizard of Oz will be in charge of Medicare.

For Interior Secretary, it’ll be global warming denier and fossil fuel magnate Doug Burgum, who reminds me of Ronald Reagan’s appointment of James Watt to Interior, who opened up nearly all of America’s coastal waters to oil and gas drilling, widened access to coal on federal lands, and eased restrictions on strip-mining.

Let’s not forget Elise Stefanik—who publicly excoriated university presidents for not being willing to expel, arrest, and shoot students who thought Palestinian Gazans should not be slaughtered by the thousands—as our United Nations Ambassador.

And Baptist minister Mike Huckabee as our new ambassador to Israel. With Huckabee’s belief in Christian Zionism, calling for the removal of Palestinians from the biblically defined land of Israel to facilitate Christ’s return, he ought to fit right into Benjamin Netanyahu’s game plan.

We’ll even get a department I’ve never heard of before: Government Efficiency headed by Elon Musk. Any of you old enough to remember Jackie Gleason and The Honeymooners? “To the moon, Alice!” How about “To Mars, Elon!” And the sooner the better.

And let’s not forget Stephen Miller, major architect of Dolt .45’s first term racist and draconian immigration policies advocating family separation, cancelation of Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, a ban on Muslims entering the U.S. even as tourists, and purging of any civil servant who did not agree. Miller’s going to be Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy and Homeland Security Advisor under Dolt .47. I wonder what he’s got in store for Round Two.

And I wonder who else the MAGAManiac has yet to appoint. I’ve learned that Russell Vought, co-author of Project 2025, will be heading the Office of Management and Budget while Dr. Janette Nesheiwat, a Fox News regular who’s authored a book on the healing power of prayer, will be Surgeon General. The Wrestling Lady will transform the Department of Education into WrestleMania Smackdown.

The list goes on and on. It’s like that little car you see at the circus. The doors open, and out comes a clown. And then another clown, and one after that, and another and another and another. An endless succession of clowns with more still to come. And they’re going to be running the show.

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W.D. Ehrhart is a retired Master Teacher of History & English, and author of a Vietnam War memoir trilogy published by McFarland.