The first 100 days of this thing we’re all experiencing came to an end on Tuesday. Let’s look on the bright side. At least we won’t have to go through them again.
Well, so much for the good news. Unless the Giant Meteor comes along to bless us with an intervention, we have another 1,359 days of this—for the sake of propriety, let’s just call it ‘this’—to wade through.
Some of our readers, battered by recent events, may not feel they’re up to grappling with what they have good reason to suspect will follow herein. For them we’ve prepared the following one-paragraph summary:
Grover Norquist’s fever dream has become our national waking nightmare: Elon Musk and his chain saw have hacked off Uncle Sam’s arms and legs, and Donald Trump is drowning his bleeding torso in William Howard Taft’s jumbo-sized bathtub. Meanwhile Congress stands by, denying that it’s happening.
Before proceeding with the sordid details we shall exert our privilege, as the nation’s only news organization to have been reporting on the nation’s founding as it was happening, to offer our opinion: this is a hell of a state for a nation to be in as it prepares to celebrate its Semisesquicentennial.
Unless, of course, that’s actually the plan: just delete the government as we have known it, some time before July 4th, 2026 even gets here.
Frankly, we’ve got a bad feeling about this coming June 14th.
As our readers are well aware, that is Flag Day. It will also be Donald Trump’s 79th birthday. And—as if that conjunction were not disquieting enough in itself—it will be the 250th Birthday of the U.S. Army.
Famously, or infamously, Commander-in-Chief Bone Spur has not had any particularly close association with the U.S. Army. According to an April 6th report in the Washington City Paper, that could change on Flag Day:
“According to a D.C. source with knowledge of the plan that’s still being developed, Trump has commandeered Saturday, June 14—the 250th anniversary of the U.S. Army and, as it happens, Trump’s 79th birthday—for his military parade. It would stretch almost four miles from the Pentagon in Arlington to the White House, according to the source, who stressed that local officials are just learning of it.”
We’re not saying that this year’s Flag Day festivities are sure to include Trump ordering Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to fortify the White House with a ring of 3rd Infantry tanks, but nobody expected January 6th, either.
We can be sure of this: if Hegseth backs a Trump autogolpe, he’s going to look fabulous on the ramparts. Less so, perhaps, than if he’d been able to spend the full $40,000 he asked for to spruce up his powder room in the Pentagon, but there’s a war on.
Such sacrifices must be made to offset unexpected losses. For example, on Monday, the Pentagon suddenly found itself short one $67 million aircraft.
Here’s what we know about this loss. The USS Truman had just been tootling along, minding its own business, which happens to be bombing Houthi rebels in Yemen, along with whoever else is unfortunate enough to be in their general vicinity. It’s grim work, but necessary. The Houthis are hindering the oil industry, which is doing God’s work: heating up the atmosphere until the global climate becomes so unstable that it renders Earth uninhabitable. See Revelations for details.
On Monday, the Houthis took a potshot at our $4.5 billion aircraft carrier. Somehow, they got close enough to their target to force the captain of the Truman to make a sudden evasive maneuver. During that maneuver, an F/A-18 Super Hornet being towed in the hanger bay rolled off the deck. Losing a $67 million aircraft is never a good thing, but let’s keep this thing in perspective. Since March 31st, the rebels have shot down seven Reaper drones, which cost $30 million each.
What we don’t know is whether the Houthis just got lucky, or if they were operating on intelligence gleaned from Secretary “Loose Lips” Hegseth’s unsecured personal cell phone. Given his history, we wouldn’t rule that out.
If House Speaker Mike Johnson has his way, though, we’ll never know. The same day that Hornet took a dive into the Red Sea, Johnson blocked House members from filing “resolutions of inquiry.” That will prevent any meddling Democrat from launching an investigation into Hegseth’s habit of idly gossiping about upcoming bombing missions. There’s no need to worry about Republicans, of course. Such an idea would never occur to them.
Today it seems unlikely that Trump will actually roll tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue on June 14th. That is six weeks off, though.
On Wednesday, the first-quarter GDP was announced. It fell at an annual rate of 0.3 percent. And that slide started before the Michaelangelo of the Art of the Deal stuck a Louisville Slugger into the spokes of his tricycle.
Once the supply chain shocks from this tariff war kick in, Trump may decide to call out the tanks in self-defense.