Large-Animal Serial Killer Opens Local Franchise of Dodgy Family Biz While Evading Law

Malt House Exchange, Portsmouth, N.H., Thurs., Sept. 17—Eric Trump visited the West End today and spent an undetermined amount of time schmoozing with local supporters of his father, Donald J. Trump—President, so to speak, of the Somewhat United States—at the opening of another franchise of the family business. Exactly which family business was not specified, and remains unclear.

A moderate-sized crowd showed on Thursday, September 17th, to attend the opening of Trump Campaign Headquarters in Portsmouth. Epitomizing the event, one supporter had slung around his neck a two-dimensional “gun” cut out from a Trump campaign sign. Will the flimsy fake gun be a harbinger of the candidate’s fortunes during what’s likely to become Election Month? If we’re lucky. Otherwise…prepare for Federalist Society “justice” on a gasping planet.

Eric Trump is the executive vice president of development and acquisitions of the Trump Organization, according to Wikipedia. Politico reported last year that he also “acts as a [Presidential election] campaign surrogate when asked—and helps to keep an eye on the campaign finances.” [Hmm…emphasis added.]

Earlier this month the New York Times reported that the campaign has blown through at least $800 million. All expenditures were made “under the very close eye of the family,” according to Brad Parscale. “No decision was made without their approval.” A complaint before the FEC claims some of that money went to Eric’s wife Lara, without being accounted for in FEC filings.

Eric Trump—who, according to his aunt, retired Federal Judge Maryanne Trump Barry, is “a moron”—strides past Portsmouth Police Chief Robert Merner. Unconfirmed rumors passed along by a shady character suggested that Merner may have been on hand to count the silverware after Trump’s departure.

Approximately simultaneous with Trump’s appearance at this staged, ceremonial, and therefore unnecessary event, his attorneys were claiming in a New York courtroom that their client was willing to be interviewed, but would not do so until after the Presidential election, because, the New York Times reported, “he did not want his deposition to be used ‘for political purposes.’”

Letitia James, the Attorney General of the State of New York, is conducting an investigation, the AP reports, into “whether the Trump Organization lied about the value of its assets in order to get loans or tax benefits.” Investigative reporting by the New York Times produced a voluminous report suggesting the likely answer. Nevertheless, reports AP, “the investigation is civil, not criminal, in nature and investigators have yet to determine whether any law was broken.”

James has been trying since July to get Trump to comply with subpoenas like an ordinary citizen, but it seems he’s too busy hanging out behind the Pic’n’ Pay.

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