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Sun, July 3

1994—The Mayor of Boulder, Colo. declares this “Allen Ginsberg Day.” 1993—In just leather jacket, dog collar, and jockstrap, punk rocker G.G. Allin is laid to rest at St. Rose Cemetery in his hometown, Littleton, N.H. 1988—The U.S.S. Vincennes, in Iranian waters, shoots down an Iranian airliner ascending within a commercial air corridor; 290 civilians die. 1979—President Carter OKs covert aid to the mujahideen, despite Z. Brzezinski’s warning it will spur a Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. 1978—The Supreme Court rules that seven words are too dirty to broadcast—using those words in its ruling. 1971—R. Nixon tells B. Haldeman, “Jews are all through the government…you can’t trust …

Sat, July 2

2020—Fugitive Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s accomplice, is arrested—in Bradford, N.H., of course. 2013—Congress nixes a ban on federal propaganda targeting citizens. 2003—George W.[MD] Bush says, “There are some who feel that the conditions are such that they can attack us [in Iraq]. My answer is, bring ’em on.” 1982—Vietnam veteran “Lawn Chair Larry” Walters, 33, ascends to 16,000 feet in a lawn chair buoyed by 45 helium-filled weather balloons. 1980—The Supreme Court rules that OSHA must consider corporate profits when protecting employees’ health. 1976—The Supreme Court rules it’s neither cruel nor unusual for the government to kill certain people. 1967—On their worst day in Vietnam, …

Volume 266, No. 21; July 1, 2022

July 1, 2022 — To download this issue of our paper, just click on the image at right.

It’s a Whole New Ball Game

Though it was long before our time—Julius Caesar’s assassination predated our founding by seven times our lifespan to date*—we often daydream of life in ancient times. What was it like to live in a world controlled by capricious and uncaring gods? Now we know. Last week certain Supreme Beings—half a dozen unelected religious zealots, five of them appointed by politicians who lost the popular vote, and several of whom likely perjured themselves in order to get the gig—declared holy war on us mere mortals. Thursday they threw out gun bans, overthrowing a precedent going back a century and a half. These may be best remembered …

Could a future televised Congressional hearing ever surpass the one held on Tuesday? Sure. Nothing to it. Just swear in a witness from Alpha Centauri. Or 133 year-old Judge Crater, who mysteriously disappeared 92 years ago. How about Bat Boy, brandishing a birth certificate declaring that Hillary Clinton is his mother? Short of something on that order, though, Tuesday had to be a high-water mark. Granted, we had previously known that a sitting President—with one impeachment under his capacious belt already—had denied the legitimate results of the 2020 election, assembled a mob of followers at the Ellipse, and called upon them to march on the …

Thank You For Your Service

To the Editor: Congratulations, Mary. Having reached your twelfth year as an American citizen, you are hereby required to register for the draft. No, not for Military Service, but for the U.S. Female Fertility Service. The mission of our agency is to ensure all unwanted pregnancies, especially those initiated through rape or incest, are carried to term in a manner that protects the life and wellbeing of the developing fetus. Under U.S. law, should you become pregnant due to an unfortunate circumstance, you will be required to report to the FFS within ten working days for service as a surrogate mother on behalf of the …