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Temporarily Incommunicado

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Update, Tuesday, February 26, 2008 — Alright, then — our e-mail glitch is sorted out. Granted, this may seem to be pretty petty stuff to be posting about. On the other hand, bear in mind who it is we’re dealing with here. Monday, February 25, 2008 — We seem to have incurred the wrath of the Gods of the Intertubes. We can currently receive e-mails, but we cannot send them. As a result, we have before us the opportunity to relieve ourselves of up to 20 pounds of unspeakable detritus from an internal organ, and to increase the dimensions of another organ to such an …

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In Lieu of Pay

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Saturday, February 23, 2008 — Our latest issue, Volume 252, No. 11, dated February 22, hit the streets yesterday, thanks to our volunteer distribution crew. In their honor (and in lieu of pay) the Lithography Department has immortalized them with this image depicting them luxuriating in our lavishly appointed break room.

More Red Letter Days To Come

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Thursday, February 14, 2008 – Having recently made some fairly significant changes to the format of the Gazette, we’d like to give our readers some insight into why those changes were made, and what they mean for the future of this paper. As is so often the case, some knowledge of the past will be necessary in order to understand the future. The current editor acquired the ownership rights to of this paper nineteen years ago this spring, in what would best be described as an unusually hostile takeover. At that time the identity of the New Hampshire Gazette had been merged with that of …

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A Red Letter Day

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Friday, February 8 – It’s a red letter day here at the Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™. We published our latest fortnightly screed, of course, but we do that every other Friday anyway. Here’s what makes today special. See that red arrow up there on the right end of the banner? It’s pointing to a line that says, “First Class U.S. Postage Paid.” We have upgraded our mailing from the dreadfully slow “Pre-Sorted Standard,” right up to top-of-the-line First Class. More on this momentous change later.

The Official Version

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008 — “Sen. Hillary Clinton charged on Sunday that Sen. Barack Obama’s campaign has introduced racial tension into their contest for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination,” according to NPR’s All Things Considered. Meanwhile, here in the town where Hillary allegedly triumphed by getting teary-eyed, an unknown culture jammer had his way with Ron Paul, turning the straight-laced, diminutive white Congressman into a towering black drag queen — who played the character Rachel Tensions in a Hollywood movie. The national media appears to have performed a similar transmutation. According to them, it was Clinton’s show of alleged humanity that made the big difference …

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The Day After

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Wednesday, January 9, 2008 — Well, we held your first in the nation presidential primary. It’s over now. Was it everything you thought it would be? Did you get what you wanted? Are you happy now? Are you satisfied? We don’t suppose anyone cares how we feel … people coming in from all over, causing all sorts of commotion, trampling dirt everywhere, throwing things on the ground, treating this place like a pigsty. Then they all up and leave! Gone! Just like that! How do you think that makes us feel? We’ll tell you how – dirty! Dirty, and used! Fortunately, we like that. Y’all …

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