The Fortnightly Rant

We blame screens. Think about it: how many of today’s problems began with, or are made worse by, people gaping at screens? As with so many things—automobiles, for example—the dire eventual consequences were not evident at first. Now they are so ubiquitous that eliminating them all would be impossible. Just imagine the disruption that would entail. But, given the level of chaos we’re already experiencing, and likelihood that more is coming, it certainly won’t hurt to at least assess this problem. In accordance with our conservative tendencies, we shall begin at the beginning, namely, the Dutch Republic in 1659. Two years after inventing the pendulum …

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Henry Alfred Kissinger died on November 29th. On that, we can all agree. Well, perhaps we’re being overly optimistic. To be clear, we’re not saying we think that Henry the K is still alive somewhere, maintained in some quasi-lifelike state by a cabal of mad scientists. We’re just saying that considering present circumstances, it’s possible—even probable—that someone in this great nation of ours is convinced that the original Doctor Strangelove is currently hooked up to a maze of tubes and cables and still breathing. Or burbling in a jar, “Futurama”-style. If anyone actually does believe that scenario it’s ironic, since Kissinger did so much damage …

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Finally, the 2024 First in the Nation™ Presidential Primary Election® is showing signs of… life? The suspense is over; the date has been set: New Hampshire’s favorite pastime, its quadrennial civic extravaganza, will come to a dramatic conclusion on Tuesday, January 23rd. If it’s alive, though, what’s up with those neck bolts? In all seriousness, we should probably add an asterisk to the typographical fruit salad which traditionally encumbers our textual references to the presidential primary. According to the Democratic National Committee, New Hampshire will not be holding a primary. Oh, we can do whatever we like of course, this being a free country. The …

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We face another 354 days of uncertainty, then: November 5th. Even the best outcome will bring a mixture of relief and dread. Two-thirds of the country will sigh with relief if #45 fails to mutate into #47. Then they’ll hold their breath as the remaining third—armed, angry, and impervious to reason—decides what it’s going to do about it. If they were Democrats they would argue amongst themselves then splinter into factions. That is a law as inexorable as gravity. Not this crowd, though. These are rough and ready Republicans, eager to follow a strong, inspiring leader, right into the Gates of Hell! There will be …

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Our headline today comprises a phrase which has long been used to preface anecdotes which cast the nation in a flattering light. That usage of the phrase, though, may soon become inoperative. In fact, as with the party once known for law and order, the meaning of the phrase “Only in America” seems destined for reversal. The House of Representatives just elected a new Speaker, Rep. Mike Johnson, of Louisiana. Citizens who have longed for a functioning national legislature may have been tempted to breath a sigh of relief. Those familiar with Hollywood tropes, of course, knew better. In well-done horror flicks, audience members may …

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