The Fortnightly Rant

Ice melting at the poles turns into water. Earth’s spin causes centrifugal force, sending that water towards the equator. Adding mass to that region slows the rotation of the Earth. That’s pretty straightforward. It’s basic physics. Ice Capades skaters have been demonstrating that effect for years: arms in, faster spin. Scientists recently figured out how to compare current trends with far earlier times. A newly-published paper says Earth is now slowing at an “unprecedented” rate—greater than at any time in 3.6 million years. Good luck, though, convincing your MAGA uncle that days are getting longer because of climate change. Man-made greenhouse gas emissions have the …

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We should be grateful. Despite our modest size, as the Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ we feel obligated to record, to the best of our ability, the essence of each fortnight as it passes. As everyone knows who has not yet retreated, for mental health purposes, to the wilderness or a bunker, current events have been, for the past decade or so, a constant barrage from every direction of the simply unbelievable. We are not complaining. As Hyman Roth said to Michael Corleone, “this is the business we’ve chosen.” We merely wish to establish how challenging it can be to winnow out, from this bizarre maelstrom of …

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Two weeks ago today, a person whose name has become nearly impossible to avoid spoke to a gaggle of other geriatrics at The Villages, a Golfer’s Valhalla in Florida. We refer, of course, to the President of the purportedly United States of America, who, lest we forget, inexplicably won a second term in 2024, despite having ended his terrible first term by fomenting an insurrection to overthrow an election he lost. Since the median age of the residents there is 73 years, and 97 percent of them are white, our Chief Executive must have felt right at home in this peculiar institution. For the record, …

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Two men named Thomas, born a century and a half apart, had the vision to see what this country might some day become. Thomas Morton overthrew the leaders of a group of settlers sent by Ferdinando Gorges to found the short-lived Merrymount, in what is now Quincy. Morton called himself “Mine Host,” and declared himself the equal of all the former indentured servants in the group. As long as they were able, they cohabited peacefully with the area’s indigenous people. Settlers and natives all celebrated May Day of 1627 together by dancing around a May Pole topped with a set of antlers. Such fun could …

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Birds are singing, buds are swelling, days are getting longer. Spring is here, and it is welcome—even to godless heathens who see this change as just another predictable result of the laws of celestial mechanics. For Christians, of course, this is Easter time, when the ineffable mysteries of their faith are in full bloom. We can only presume, then, that it must have been a shock for that subset of Christians who have chosen to yoke their religious beliefs to their political proclivities when the President observed Easter by posting on Truth (sic) Social, “Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living …

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What a difference a fortnight can make. As this one began we had to decide: should we start working on the next newspaper, or just write a will? Admittedly, when it comes to assessing threat levels in various situations, our worst-case scenarios may be particularly vivid. That can happen when your prefrontal cortex matures under circumstances in which continued existence is clearly a matter of chance. We would argue, though, that our sense of looming dread was hardly without foundation. Thousands of Marines were already in the Gulf. More were on their way. The 82nd Airborne got orders to join them. What the future might …

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