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Our Criminal Justice Department

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Tuesday, Stewart Rhodes and his Oath Keepers—who millions of Americans saw with their own eyes, on live television, attacking the U.S. Congress on January 6, 2021 intending to prevent the orderly transition of executive power—were handed a “Get Out of Jail Free” card by the Justice Department, currently being run by Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche. Through sheer force of character, we presume, Judge Mehta declined to mention Melville’s Bartleby the Scrivener in his opinion. Nevertheless, he made it clear that he would have preferred not to issue it. “Before turning to the government’s proffered justifications for dismissal, it is important to note the reasons …

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Volume 270, No. 24

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Because we are so fortunate as to not yet have been thrown into some stinking cell for an imaginary crime existing solely in the misfiring mind of a puffed-up grifter who only retains power through the avarice and cowardice of a slew of reprehensible flunkies, we decided to celebrate by doing what we love best: putting out yet another newspaper. You can read it by clicking on this link right here.

Fri, Aug 7

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2016—Verrückt (German for “insane”), the world’s tallest waterslide, built in Kansas City by men who later admitted that they didn’t know what they were doing, and exempt from state licensing, decapitates the 10-year-old son of a Kansas state rep. 1974—Three GOP bigwigs tell Nixon he’s through. Len Garment talks him out of pardoning the Watergate conspirators. Nixon’s man Al Haig meets again in secret with Jerry Ford. Move along; nothing to see here. 1964—Congress falls for the Gulf of Tonkin hoax. L.B.J. gets unprecedented and unconstitutional power. Sen. Wayne Morse (D-Ore.) votes no, saying “future generations will look with dismay and great disappointment upon a …

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Thurs, Aug 6

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2016—“One of my proudest moments,” says Senator “Moscow Mitch” McConnell [R-Ky.], “was when I told President Obama, ‘You will not fill this Supreme Court vacancy.’” 2011—An RPG downs a Chinook in the Tangi Valley, killing all 38 on board­; 30 are Americans, the most to die in a single incident in Afghanistan. 2001—The CIA hands the President a report titled “Bin Ladin Determined To Strike in U.S.” He ignores it. 1991—Tim Berners-Lee introduces the World Wide Web to the world. 1970—Disneyland closes as 300 Yippies smoke pot, chant V.C. slogans & demand freedom for Mickey Mouse. 1957—Carol Burnett becomes an overnight sensation by singing on …

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Wed, Aug 5

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2011—S&P lowers the U.S.’s credit rating because the GOP says it might not let the government pay its bills. 2007—On Lake Winnipesaukee, the President of France, clad only in swim trunks, jumps into the boat of AP’s N.H.-based ace photographer Jim Cole and berates him for doing his job. 2004—“Our enemies,” says George W.[MD] Bush, “never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” 1981—Ronald Reagan fires 12,700 air traffic controllers. 1971—ITT comes through with $100,000 towards the GOP Convention; the Justice Department overlooks ITT violations of antitrust laws. 1969—The Army says eight Green Berets are under …

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Tues, Aug 4

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2003—When lightning sets fire to a warehouse in Bardstown, Ky., 800,000 gallons of Jim Beam gush out of 19,000 barrels. Thousands of fish die in a flaming river, while high winds whip up a 100-foot firenado. 1997—Skynet goes online, removing human decisions from strategic defense systems. What could go wrong? 1992—Republicans re-nominate the Bush/Quayle ticket. [Snicker.] 1991—The captain and officers of the sinking Oceanos abandon the ship—and its passengers. Entertainers organize a successful rescue of all aboard. 1987—The FCC jettisons the Fairness Doctrine, declaring it “restricts the journalistic freedom of broadcasters.” 1964—The USS Maddox and USS Turner Joy report a second torpedo attack in Gulf …

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