The Alleged News®

Here in New England we love to brag about rapid weather changes. Hah! We’re pikers. Monday afternoon in Denver the temperature was 93°. The weather was described by NOAA’s ever-succinct web page as “Smoke.” By Tuesday morning the temperature had dropped nearly 60 degrees in 15 hours. It was 34° and snowing. Coloradans weren’t complaining about the snow, of course. It would help to counter all the smoke coming down from the Cameron Peak fire, up north. Still burning after three weeks, it had scorched 160 square miles and was still only four percent contained. The fire crews needed all the help they could get—especially …

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OK, we lied. In this fortnight’s rant we begged off from reporting on…that thing that happened at the White House last night. In the cold light of dawn [and for this time of year it was strangely cold] it is clear that such an abdication of responsibility is simply not acceptable. Accordingly, we have spiked the Pulitzer-quality essay which had been slotted for this space, in favor of the following modest bit of drivel. First, to properly frame our assessment of the event under discussion, it’s important to remember that it was the slimax [That’s actually a typo, but we’re leaving it right there.–The Ed.] …

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Wednesday evening we completed the latest Rant, in which we accuse the President of sabotaging the U.S. Postal Service in order to steal the election. Pretty routine stuff; just another fortnight at the Nation’s Oldest Newspaper.™ Thursday morning, in a telephone interview, he told Fox’s Maria Bartiromo that’s exactly what he’s doing: “They want $3.5 billion for something that will turn out to be fraudulent, that’s election money basically. They want 3.5 trillion…billion dollars for the mail-in votes, OK, universal mail-in ballots, 3.5 trillion. They want $25 billion, billion, for the Post Office. Now they need that money in order to have the post office …

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Generally speaking, NPR’s reporting tends towards restraint, so Thursday morning’s headline stood out: “3 Months Of Hell: U.S. Economy Drops 32.9% In Worst GDP Report Ever.” Yesterday’s Gross Domestic Product estimate from the Commerce Department was “Horrific,” Economist Nariman Behravesh told the network’s Scott Horsley. “We’ve never seen anything quite like it.” Even that shocking presentation, however, fails to convey the full magnitude of just how screwed we truly are. NPR’s report, and the GDP estimate on which it’s based, are both snapshots—still pictures of a changing scene. And, like all pictures, they leave out what’s beyond the frame. While the report does acknowledge the …

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A week ago—on the same “Hide It Friday” the Administration did its bureaucratic shuffle to obscure the evidence of its criminal negligence on the Covid-19 front—the untreated mental patient also known as our Commander-in-Chief commuted the sentence of his longtime crony Roger Stone. After a lifetime of well documented, politically oriented malign behavior, Stone had managed to finally get his Nixon-tattooed self charged, convicted, and sentenced to serve between seven and nine years in prison. Throughout it all, ever true to the criminal code, Stone swore he’d never rat out his boss, and smugly waited to get sprung. And now he has been. Stone and …

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Despite being placed in confinement Thursday morning in the state whose slogan is “Live Free or Die”—by agents of the FBI, Attorney General William Barr, proprietor—Ghislaine Maxwell, as we go to press, still has not been reported to have committed suicide, fatally fallen through the bars from an upper-floor cell onto a busy thoroughfare, or suddenly contracted a case of Covid-19 severe enough to necessitate a medically-induced coma. Maxwell’s whereabouts have been the subject of intense speculation since the arrest last year, and death in jail, of her former lover and long-time associate, the notorious convicted sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein. Bill Sweeney, Assistant Director of …

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