The Alleged News®

We can’t cite any specific authorities on this matter—we have little to go on other than our own observations—but we’ve been getting the impression lately that even people who are normally level-headed have been getting cranky lately. We can’t say for sure why, but we have our suspicions. It may have something to do with the 210,000 people who’ve died so far from the dreadfully mishandled global pandemic. Or, it may be a reaction to the economy nearly dying, due to the failed attempt to stop the virus. On the other hand it could be some kind of subconscious reaction to the mass-extinction crisis. That …

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On September 26, 1945—75 years ago tomorrow—Peter Dewey, a Lieutenant Colonel in the American OSS, filed one final dispatch and headed reluctantly for Saigon’s Tan Son Nhut airport. General Douglas D. Gracey, a British officer, had ordered him to leave. The two men had disagreed over many things, but a small American flag was the last straw. Dewey had wanted to fly the flag on the bumper of his jeep. Gracey forbid that, and it cost Dewey his life. Three weeks after Japan surrendered, Saigon was chaotic. The vast city was crowded with indigenous Vietnamese—or Annamese, as they were often called then—along with French colonials, …

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Here in New England we love to brag about rapid weather changes. Hah! We’re pikers. Monday afternoon in Denver the temperature was 93°. The weather was described by NOAA’s ever-succinct web page as “Smoke.” By Tuesday morning the temperature had dropped nearly 60 degrees in 15 hours. It was 34° and snowing. Coloradans weren’t complaining about the snow, of course. It would help to counter all the smoke coming down from the Cameron Peak fire, up north. Still burning after three weeks, it had scorched 160 square miles and was still only four percent contained. The fire crews needed all the help they could get—especially …

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OK, we lied. In this fortnight’s rant we begged off from reporting on…that thing that happened at the White House last night. In the cold light of dawn [and for this time of year it was strangely cold] it is clear that such an abdication of responsibility is simply not acceptable. Accordingly, we have spiked the Pulitzer-quality essay which had been slotted for this space, in favor of the following modest bit of drivel. First, to properly frame our assessment of the event under discussion, it’s important to remember that it was the slimax [That’s actually a typo, but we’re leaving it right there.–The Ed.] …

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Wednesday evening we completed the latest Rant, in which we accuse the President of sabotaging the U.S. Postal Service in order to steal the election. Pretty routine stuff; just another fortnight at the Nation’s Oldest Newspaper.™ Thursday morning, in a telephone interview, he told Fox’s Maria Bartiromo that’s exactly what he’s doing: “They want $3.5 billion for something that will turn out to be fraudulent, that’s election money basically. They want 3.5 trillion…billion dollars for the mail-in votes, OK, universal mail-in ballots, 3.5 trillion. They want $25 billion, billion, for the Post Office. Now they need that money in order to have the post office …

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