The Fortnightly Rant

Another fortnight, another resounding “Thunk,” as Uncle Sam’s top-hatted noggin slams into yet another landing during his violent and interminable descent down the endless staircase leading to democracy’s crypt. Did he fall? Or was he pushed? Oh, please. We are the nation’s last living exemplar of a truly free press. Do not expect us to mimic our corporate competition by pretending to be even stupider than we actually are. Following the incoherent barking of their malevolent leader, the members of Cult #45 have volunteered enough of their warm if not necessarily sapient bodies to give the Covid-19 virus the opportunity to develop a new mutation …

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Readers, are you tired of the bitter bickering, constant conflict, and demeaning dialogue that pass for public discourse these days? Of course you are. Who wouldn’t be? The only thing on which Americans can agree is that other Americans are far too disagreeable.* Well, good news, everyone, we’ve got the perfect solution! Here’s how it works. Let’s say the neighborhood arsonist strolls up your driveway with a gas can in his hand. He’s eying your garage in a manner that seems suspicious. Ordinarily, you might be tempted to come down off your porch with a pipe wrench in your hand, telling him in no uncertain …

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Except for a few Amazonian tribes, all of us Earthians have by now been introduced to the MCU, the Marvel Cinematic Universe. A movie franchise making that much money becomes culturally unavoidable. Those celluloid shenanigans may be safely ignored, of course. At least, so we presume. If only we cold say that about the RCU—the Republican Criminal Universe. True, the nation’s plunge into competitive weirdness does seem to roughly coincide with the release of Iron Man in 2008. We suspect, though, that other events that year may have had a more disruptive effect. For example, the presidential election was won by a Black man. If …

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When we last went to press, AP had just fact-checked Individual-1’s assertion that “the real insurrection happened on November 3rd, the Presidential Election, not on January 6th—which was a day of protesting the Fake Election results.” Hidebound as ever, AP passed up the chance to level the charge “fake” at the statement’s perpetrator, settling for the prim term “false.” Normally we would refrain from wasting ink and paper on the blatherings of a person clearly untethered from reality and unfettered by morality. What makes this newsworthy is that it’s such an appalling spectacle: the august AP fact-checking the jabberings of a depraved baboon.* How has …

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One could imagine that a newspaper embarking on its 266th year might allow itself to ease up a bit. After weighing our options, though, we said to hell with that. How could we back off now? Have you seen what these people are up to? If we’re going to make a change, we need to do more. If things keep going the way they’re headed, we’ll be lucky if we see 275. We’re not worried about running out of words, but oxygen and water are another matter. Judging solely from news that is commonly available, it’s pretty plain that the current plan—such as it is, …

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The former guy is saying that he might run for President again. There it is: one simple declarative statement that all by itself could cause another pandemic. It wouldn’t be the viral sort; we’re talking depression this time, and probably with two variants: personal and financial. During the prior maladministration, the nation spent four years—years we could ill afford to lose—sliding backwards rapidly on a host of issues like the climate, racism, economic inequity, voter suppression…we’ll stop there lest we start making tasteless jokes about self-destruction. Losing four more years would be unthinkable. Our first instinct is not to believe him. After all, paraphrasing Mary …

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