The Fortnightly Rant

The Conservative Political Action Conference [CPAC] for the Year of Our Lord 2021—we hope they appreciate that pious flourish—began yesterday in sunny, socialistic Orlando, Florida. Say what? Socialistic? Sure—what else would you call a place that requires everybody to wear a mask, just to keep the rest of its puny citizens alive? Orlando is the Seat of Orange County, which is ruled—with an iron fist, of course; mustn’t leave out that important detail—by an elected mayor and six commissars. They claim to be “commissioners,” but let’s keep it real: only one of those seven is a Republican. It’s probably safe to assume that the true …

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The Republican Party has come under mounting criticism lately—not that there’s anything wrong with that. In some quarters, this phenomenon is seen as overdue. However late, though, and however modest, it should be viewed as a welcome correction after decades of willful blindness. This nation has always valued boldness, though. We would argue that the Party of Lincoln should be granted a little credit for that, if nothing else. In this fractious time, when calls for unity are coming from every quarter—well, from many quarters—surely many Americans will agree: right or wrong, when Donald Trump called out to the mob, “bring me the head of …

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It is tempting to think of January 21st as an historic day for the U.S. of A. Finally, after four harrowing years, a full day passed when the Executive Branch was not being attacked with a saw by a fool sitting out at the far end of it. Congratulations, America. Just don’t get too cocky. To extend our arborial metaphor, you’re not out of the woods yet. On this semi-auspicious occasion, we beg the reader’s leave to draw upon our seniority in the ranks of American journalistic enterprises—indeed, our history covers a full 46 percent of the time since Gutenberg first hawked a Bible—and express …

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People used to expect that sooner or later, chickens would come home to roost. Recently studies have shown, however, that if you leave Republicans in charge too long, chickens mutate into vultures. After a prolonged period of uncertainty—the likes of which have not been seen since the ignominious end of Reconstruction—the basic elements of our immediate future finally seem clear: the incumbent administration will only be in charge for another three days and a wakeup. Ordinarily that’s not so long. When you’re staked out in the desert, though, as vultures circle overhead, ordinary does not apply. This is not to say that we, as a …

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Well, that’s over—at last. Yes, despite our rattled, snake-bit fears, the last day of December, in the Year of Our… No, not gonna do it. We may stray towards blasphemous territory from time to time, but we’re not about to risk laying responsibility for the past 366 days—because yes, of course it was a Leap Year; it had to be, to accommodate that much idiocy and malevolence—at the foot of the Christians’ God, or any other diety. Besides, it’s pretty clear who really was responsible for making last year the deadliest year in U.S. history. “America has been paralyzed by death and fear for nearly …

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Monday was disorienting. A good day? But…isn’t this still 2020? Yes, it is, and so it’s no time to let down our guard. But, as with November 3rd, it was a good day regardless: health care workers began receiving vaccinations against the plague, the worst Attorney General in U.S. history quit, and the Electoral College—perhaps the least-loved feature of that anachronistic contraption we call our Constitution—passed up a prime opportunity to bite democracy on the…posterior. We who have escaped death by the virus—thus far, anyway—and resisted, perhaps, the siren call of the gas stove, bridge abutment, or tall building, owe it to ourselves to hold …

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