Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic

To the Editor:

There isn’t any iceberg.

There was an iceberg but it’s in a totally different ocean.

The iceberg is in the ocean but it will melt very soon.

There is an iceberg but we didn’t hit the iceberg.

We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.

The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.

We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a life boat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them. We don’t have any lifeboats, we’re not lifeboat distributors.

Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.

I really don’t think we need that many lifeboats.

We have lifeboats and they’re supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers’ lifeboats.

The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.

Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.

Paul Nichols

Loudon, N.H.


Good to hear from you. How are things up on The Ridge?

The Editor

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